I’m a walking contradiction. All aspects of horror are a part of my daily life. From working with horror stars, writing scary crap to constantly watching gory movies, I love it. When it comes to being scared in real life, I’m not a fan, not at all. Many times before I have written about how I’m not the manliest man, I’m a scaredy cat who runs away from spiders, can’t watch boxing without getting nauseous and don’t like to get dirty. The fact that I’m obsessed with horror makes my life very odd… especially since the thought of going into a haunted house scares the crap out of me. In my line of work, I should want to go into one more than anything.
This might have to do with my childhood and the time I couldn’t leave a haunted house because I was too scared (ironically) to walk past a teenager dressed as Jason Voorhees and got stuck in the house for longer than I should have (resulting in weeks of nightmares). Regardless of the reason, I have tried my best to avoid haunted houses for the past fifteen years. Simply put, because I was too scared to enter one. Being at Erebus Haunted House, arguably the best in the industry, I really didn’t have a choice but to go through the house with Kane. As much as I didn’t want to go through it for fear of wetting myself in public, there was no way I could say no to Kane, not many people can, or more so, most people are smart enough not to say no to him.
With the release party winding down, a small group of fans persuaded Kane to go through the house. I hid in the corner near our display of books, hoping to not be a part of this. When Kane’s booming voice yelled, MIKE, I knew I had no choice but to follow him (there were real machetes in the room, I couldn’t take the chance of not listening to him). Meeting up with the small group of fans, an employee ushered us through a maze of back halls on the way to the entrance. Half way through I saw a small chart hanging on a board, stupidly, I asked what it was. The answer I got was not comforting at all. That is the chicken chart, an employee said with pride. We keep track of how many people can’t make it through the house and have to leave by the emergency exits. As unsettling as that was, he went on to explain the other marks. These lines here, those are for how many people pissed themselves this year. I had to stop him and ask if what I heard was correct. Sure enough, it was. People actually piss themselves in this house. With another box next to it, I dreaded hearing what that category was. Those last ones, they are for people who sh*t themselves. Part of me wanted to take comfort in the fact that there were only three marks, but then I realized that if three people were scared enough to literally poop their pants, things were not looking good for me. Yeah, one guy last year, it was disgusting, the sh*t ran all the way down his pants and left a trail of diarrhea right through the house. We had to close down for an hour to have it cleaned up. At this point I tried to sneak back to the party, only to be shoved by Kane back in line.
Shawn, our director, decided it was too dark to film in the haunted house, but figured he’d come along for the experience anyway. Thankfully he led the group because there was no way I was going to go first. Of course I think he was just trying to be the tough guy as there was a ridiculously tall blonde woman who was a bit tipsy holding on to him for safety. Turning to my right I introduced myself to a random woman, confessing that I might have to grab her for protection throughout the house. Thankfully Kane backed me up and said I wasn’t a pervert, just a p*ssy. She said it was fine and the fear of a lawsuit eased up in my mind. Usually teens love going to haunted houses so they have an excuse to hold on tight to each other. That was the furthest thought from my mind, protecting myself from the monsters inside was. Hell, if Kane wouldn’t punch me in the face, I would have grabbed on to him instead. Along with a middle aged leather clad couple and Kane following behind, alone, (he didn’t need someone to grab on to like us) we found ourselves standing in the back of a dark, long hallway right outside of the haunted entrance.
The seven of us stood silently, all we could hear were screams and loud noises coming from the other side of the hallway as we anticipated entering. As we waited, a door opened and a young girl dressed as a nurse zombie walked past us, even though she was outside of the house she didn’t let her act down. She stared at each one of us as if she wanted to really, really eat our brains. Trying to ignore her I grabbed the girl in front of me, one hand on her arm and the other on her back. While I did this because I was scared, I was really doing it in case I had to throw her in front of me for protection. I’m sorry, but I’m not above sacrificing a stranger to save my own life. As the zombie walked by, the door we were waiting for opened. I turned to Kane, who looked bored. Do I really have to go in? I asked, hoping Kane might let me go this one time. The blank look I got made me know I had no choice. As I walked through the door, I just prayed that I would not become another mark on that board.
Be sure to check back for the next entry to see if I wet my pants or not!