Earlier this week, fellow FEARnet slave Jenn Wexler and I took a trip (basically around the corner) to see our friends at Eastern State Penitentiary in celebration of the Terror Behind the Walls haunted house which is now in full swing and has been terrifying the bejesus out of Philadelphia area residents and tourists alike since September 19th. It’s hardly a new thing; in 1991 the historic prison began haunted tours, which ultimately helped fund the conservation of the prison’s historical chops and allowed for preservation of the attraction at the corners of 22nd and Fairmount streets in Philadelphia, PA. And in 1997, they re-branded the haunted tour as the nationally renowned Terror Behind the Walls.

Today the Terror Behind the Walls attraction has become a Halloween fixture, voted as the #1 Haunted House by AOL.com and many others, but years ago, back in 2000 the only thing I can really remember from my visit to the haunt was an unimpressive obese ballerina suspended in the air and a courtyard séance that ended in light flickering and swirling wind powered by what seemed like desk fans. Needless to say, since then, ESP has totally stepped it up. But to what degree you may ask? 

Well, at any given time there are 155 people inside the haunted house, which mainly means that there are over 155 scares from actors alone and the haunt lasts about 40 minutes.

Need we break it down?

Well, that’s about 4 scares per minute (3.87 to be exact) not to mention the countless animatronics and special effect gags that pop out, up, down or under you as you maneuver through the 180 year old prison.

At the door, we were greeted with waivers, zombie guards and creatures of the prison just wandering around getting up close and “oops, I unintentionally butterfly kissed a wolf man who came too close to my face” personal. Since ESP was kind enough to hook us up with the quick pass, we ended up avoiding a truly terrifying line--HIGHLY recommended where available--to a security screening, which is real by the way. It’s not a gag. Philly is infamous for 400+ murders a year and several police fatalities. Let's make sure we don’t add subhuman prison guard to that depressing list, right?  

And since we weren’t packing heat that night, we passed the security screening--at which point the guard gushed over my FEARnet bag and told us how much she loved seeing Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horrors on the channel (ohhh yeah, shameless plug). Then they lined us up for our “mugshot,” which you’re able to pick up at the end of the haunt…if you make it that is. 

Anyway, there are 5 sections which comprise the complex haunted house and the story essentially goes as follows:

Intake – (Historical reference: Takes place in the Horse Stable / Auto Repair Garage, Weight Lifting Yard)
At intake, a tour group of unsuspecting souls (myself included) entered the prison; and it’s immediately evident that something may have gone awry. To begin with, it’s pitch black, sirens are wailing and guards with severed limbs and rotting flesh stand atop the towers shining flashlights down on those scurrying sad souls.

It sounds silly but it felt like I was truly being taken into prison chaos. I tried to imagine what I’d done to end up in prison or why I’d be taking such a prison tour and just as I let my mind wander to a little double homicide and the prospect of conjugal visits (ehhh, what?) zombie stilt men and forceful flesh-ripping guards charged through to put the group on the right track motioning for us to navigate our way through a maze of chain link fences and police barricades. Weaving in and out of the maze until we reached a quite intimidating guard with a penchant for hardly offensive but mildly amusing ribbing and the creepiest laugh I’ve ever heard from a 6 foot 4 inch (roughly) undead prison guard. At that point, between the clever quips, disturbing giggles and barked orders, he separated the men and women--but don’t freak out, we were only separated for less than 30 seconds and it’s a good opportunity to see a single-file line of testosteronions turn to a screeching row of babies.

Lock Down – (Historical reference: Takes place in Cellblock 12)
At the next checkpoint, it’s evident that what seemed like something that “may have gone awry” actually proves that “awry” is a damn understatement, as we were met by an eye-bulging guard who’s gruff mumblings meant only a few people were able to go through lock down at a time. And once we were inside I almost wished that we were grouped with those big tall strapping guys in the group before us to have something to hide behind, as crazed prisoners in cells, lunging for us, broke free and followed us, slamming on the metal bars with chains and even their own skulls as we reached each turn.

13 Rooms – (Historical reference: Takes place in The Print Shop)
When lining up for 13 Rooms, we were greeted by a circus-ringleader-type who explained that we’d observe the prisoners doing their daily chores, laundering clothes, cooking and cleaning. But what we actually did observe turned out to be crazed lunatics in piles of bloody clothing and hacking away at fresh meat.

The Experiment – (Historical reference: Takes place in The Print Shop)
Once we made it past 13 Rooms, we were escorted to The Experiment, where we donned the paper 3D glasses and entered a world of neon paint and blackened walls--which is usually quite cheesy in most haunted houses but is actually orchestrated nicely at Eastern State with simple touches like sounds of water dropping, and tiny creepy fingers wiggling to peek out of the ventilation system air ducts on the wall.

Night Watch – (Historical reference: Takes place in The Shoe Shop / Solitary Exercise Yards)

Sorry to disappoint (well, maybe not disappoint…) but the Night Watch section actually has nothing to do with that Timur Bekmambetov follow up to his Day Watch. However, it does have to do with complete darkness and terrifying statuesque figures with long pointy fingernails or uncontrollable howling body hair.

The Night Watch section was my personal favorite since the guards with sliced-up faces greet you with a miniature doctor flashlight (which, as a side note, half made me want to look down the throats of each performer--and say “Ahhhhh”--and half made me want to pee a little). At this point, I realized that I controlled my own fate, but whether I decided to A) keep the flashlight lit to expose those subhuman attackers lurking in the shadows or B) turn it off so they couldn’t see me coming, it was basically a lost cause.

While I thought I was playing “smart horror movie heroine” their zombie eyes grew accustomed to the darkness and they sat back licking their lips, salivating for the next group, my group, to walk by. And by the time I got through the fog and darkness, my flashlight finger was aching, my batteries were a bit low and confusion set in as long-finger-nailed hands extended from a perched hunched body atop vats of toxic waste coming within inches of our heads.

NOTE: Plus, if you’re anything like Jenn and I, your shotgun fingers were also pretty worn, as were our throats burning from all the “pewww pewww pewww” high-pitched gunshot noises we had been making at lurking zombies. 

And by time you stop laughing, crying or peeing about that final scare you just didn’t expect, you’re walking out into the courtyard where you can cry, laugh, pee a little or pick up your mugshot, grab a funnel cake, listen to what DJ Undead (completely made-up, I’m sure he has a much better MC title) is spinnin’, or stop and say hi to the Teddy Scares guys (Philly locals) who are there a few nights of the haunt giving lucky visitors a chance to win an awesome scare bear.

Between the strobe lights, the scares, the make-up and the special effects, this haunted house is definitely not for the faint of heart, pregnant, drunk or high--seriously, if you think about getting schwwwaaaayysted and going to this place, you’ll be entering a world of pain. But horror fans should be pleasantly and terrifyingly surprised at this high quality haunt.

Oh but that’s not all FEARnetians! Check back next week for a behind-the-scenes look at Terror Behind the Walls, including a look inside the costumes, make-up and special effects, and for more on The Prison and real Eastern State Penitentiary hauntings!

For pricing and more information visit the official Eastern State Penitentiary website.

Special thanks to program director Sean Kelley and the entire Terror Behind The Walls cast and crew!