Halloween is my favorite holiday, and the only one that hasn't been fully ruined yet by the corporate elite. You don't have to buy your friends a bunch of presents or cards, or take your sweetheart out for a pricey meal. All you have to do is wear a costume and eat candy. My favorite spooky activity is going to Haunted Houses. They always are a good, frightening time, and they really help get me into the Halloween spirit. Here, for your enjoyment, is my list of the scariest Haunted Houses.

11. The Boneyard – Arlington, Texas
This is the biggest walk-thru Haunted House in the country. It is over a half a mile long, and features over 50 frightening scenes. The scenes use blood, guts, animatronics, and movie quality props in order scare there visitors to death. The budget of this attraction is probably ten times that of a normal Troma movie.

10. Any Regal-Run Movie Theater
Come and be amazed by the stranglehold that the devil worshiping mega conglomerates have on us independent artists! Be shocked by the shittiness of the movies that are top in the box office! Walk through the halls of horror, and be horrified by what classic film is being remade by retarded ass lickers! All this for the small price of a $35 movie ticket. This year I was most frightened by the newest Spielberg film, Indiana Jones and the Skull Fucker.

9. The White House
Not to be confused with White Castle, I like to call this famous American landmark the Fright House. Its walls have witnessed such unspeakable acts as killing, lying, cheating, stealing, robbing, dirty dealing, and dirty feeling. 

8. Any fast food Joint
These devil worshipping companies like to fill each one of their restaurants with mutilated farm animals, pumped with chemicals designed to make fat five-year-olds become addicted to there shitty food. Watch your back while inside, because the ghosts of these Holocaust victims will someday get their revenge. (Check out Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead on DVD October 28th).

7. Any House of Worship
As a married gay Jewish man, I am frightened by any place where there is an old man telling the rest of us how we should live our lives. From Catholic to Jewish to Muslim, all of these places of worship are some of the scariest places on earth—especially for young children who have to be in the same room with men who haven't gotten laid in decades.

6. House, M.D.
This show transforms your television into the most evil spot in the house. Amazing!

5. Spooky World – Salem, New Hampshire
This Halloween attraction takes place at Canobie Lake Park, and is home to not one, but four haunted houses. They have a Troma room in one of the houses, so go get frightened by the Toxic Avenger, chicken zombies, and The Killer Condom (in your hotel room later that night).

4. Hell Houses
Keeping with the idea of religion, Hell House is another must see attraction during the Halloween season. Fundamentalist Christians set these up all over the country, tricking families into getting the hell scared out of them. At Hell House, children witness such sins as rape, homosexual marriage, abortions, and suicide. Then, on top of that, they get to meet Satan himself, who tells them that if they don’t believe in Jesus, this is where they will end up.

3.  Blood Manor – New York City, New York
This is my favorite Haunted House in New York City. It is one of the goriest Halloween attractions that I have ever been to. Inside, you will see cannibalism, severed body parts, and 3D artwork.

2. The Beast – Kansas City, Missouri
This haunted house has just opened two new attractions—the chambers of Edgar Allan Poe, where they bring this brilliantly twisted writer's tales to life, and the Macabre Cinema, where you can live out your favorite horror films. It has four floors and takes an hour to get through. On some nights there is a $1 vodka special at the bar—perfect for the drunken independent film director.

1. The Troma Building in New York City
In my mind, this is hell on earth. Every day I get the chills walking to work, scared for our financial situation. I walk into the Troma basement and nearly have a heart attack when I am greeted by our odd assortment of interns, who spend most of their time shoveling rat carcasses and telling me facts about my life that only I should know. The basement is still a mess and it will never be cleaned. I get lost every time I am down there, stumbling over props from past films that I never made a dime off of. Upstairs, the constant shrieking and yelling echoes in my head all day long. I have a hard time focusing on getting anything done at all. Which might explain why I was so eager to write about haunted houses…

I wish you all a Tromatic Halloween. And remember, there is no better way to celebrate than by picking up a 3-disc, individually numbered and collectible DVD of Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, available for preorder now at https://buy.tromamovies.com/product_info.php?products_id=660, and in stores October 28th!

xoxo

Uncle Lloydie