Those horror-lovin' folks over at The Onion are at it again -- this time with a humourous look at the kind of teacher you REALLY didn't want to get in high school.

The Onion has always let its genre geek flag fly high and proud in news stories. Like this one, a report on some strange goings-on in the Obama White House. I think Stanley Kubrick would be pleased.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. it's been... Well, far too long since I've last blogged. But in that time time, FEARnet has moved from Philadelphia to Los Angeles, and I along with it. That's not so much an excuse as a means of saying things are going to get better. We're now in the heart of the film and television industry, and so we'll be better equipped than ever before to bring you the hottest in contemporary horror news. And, theoretically, our jobs should be just a little bit easier. Which is to say I now hope to begin blogging on a more or less regular basis. Fingers crossed. As a way of saying thanks, however, for coming back to this particular page after so long a time, here's a little gift. Something a friend of mine recently discovered on YouTube. Just when you thought splatter comedy was dead, along comes... "Chainsaw Maid".  Yes, if you thought Coraline was the creepiest stop-motion animation you've ever seen, well, you may want to think again.

“To a new world of gods and monsters!”

The above toast, first given by the quintessential mad scientist Doctor Pretorius in Bride of Frankestein, is one often quoted in the field of horror. And at the risk of appearing nauseatingly unoriginal, I’m bringing this old chestnut out once more to celebrate the launch of the new FEARnet.com.

After all, humanity is forever peering into a new world of gods and monsters, a horizon lined with unpredictable rulers and their misbegotten, sometimes maniacal, creations. As I write this, the 2008 U.S. Presidential election is nearing its end, and in a matter of weeks, America will, in a sense, choose a new god—the most powerful man in the world. U.S. citizens, meanwhile, are still reeling from the recent financial collapses on Wall Street, and facing what could be the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. That sounds like one helluva monster to me.

Is it any wonder that horror fans turn to their favorite genre in times like these? Horror’s traditionally done very well in tough political and economic climes, since we love replacing the terrors of the real world with ones we can safely absorb and control from the comfort of our movie theaters, living rooms and desktops. (For a great, and very funny, example of this, watch Joe Dante’s Matinee—in which young filmgoers in the 1960s forego their worry about the Cuban Missile Crisis in favor of the ridiculous movie Mant – “Half Man. Half Ant. All Terror!”) Of course, the greater the real-world terror, the greater the need to escape into good old-fashioned make-believe horror. 

That, of course, is where we come in.

Here at the new FEARnet.com, our fondest desire is to take your mind completely off the insanity of the everyday, and put it instead in decidedly darker, and more fun, places. How will we do this? Well, for starters, we’ve got quite a few exciting new blogs, such as this one and those of the various film and TV personalities you’ll see scattered about the site, and the celebrated horror artists and writers you’ll find in The Guest House. We’re also expanding our coverage of horror in all media, considerably, with entire sections now devoted to film, TV, music, comic books, toys and games—each section bringing you the latest news, reviews and interviews from across the world of fear. Incidentally, have you noticed how fast this new site is? Yep, if the old FEARnet.com was a lumbering Studebaker, this new one is a well-oiled Porsche. Actually, let’s make that a hearse with the engine of a well-oiled Porsche…

So you see, Pretorius’ words haven’t grown stale yet. We really are facing a frightening new world. But we here at FEARnet are determined to bring you a better one than that which you’ll find making newspaper headlines and TV news stories. Stick with us, folks—the best stuff is yet to come. But get ready, ‘cause it’ll have plenty of gods and monsters!