I feel compelled to bring something to light here on SINematic Arts 101 today... how effing amazing is David Cronenberg?  Seriously, I’ve been a long time fan of Cronenberg’s (who I so lovingly like to think of as the Godfather of the Arthouse Horror Flick) but the other day he really officially blew my mind.  You see I’m in the school of thought that the best way to remedy a terrible cold is not to eat soup or drink tea or chug NyQuil… oh, wait, chugging NyQuil’s okay – anyways, the best way to get better when you’re on the verge of death is to just lie in bed and watch movies.  So yesterday I was sick and that’s precisely what I did.  I for some reason watched Cat People (because if there’s any movie that’s more effective than Vick’s Vapor Rub in the pursuit of health -it’s Cat People.  God, I love those Cat People…).  That got me in the mood for some more horror which lead to the following:  Halloween, Escape From LA (Wanna know why you should save your money kids?  Peter Fonda in that movie.), and then made the brash, brash decision to watch Scanners.  Feeling like you’re gonna hurl?  You should probably direct yourself to the nearest TV with a dude’s head exploding on it.  The memory haunts me…  Anyways, I’ve seen Scanners like two gazillion times – but this time was different (which come to think of it may or may not have been a direct result of the aforementioned cough syrup chugging).  This time I finally noticed how friggin’ insane David Cronenberg is.

One of my top ten movies of all time is Cronenberg’s Videodrome.  Now since the first time I ever saw that movie, I’ve thought it was like maybe the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.  The funny thing is that I used to just casually show this movie to people.  One of my best friends, like the third time I ever met this kid I showed him Videodrome… because that’s something a normal person would do.  I can’t even imagine what he was thinking when I showed him that movie.  Either way, I was so moved by my screening of Scanners, I immediately popped in Videodrome right after it.  That movie is crazy.  Like the craziest thing ever.  It makes Matthew Barney’s Cremaster Cycle look like an episode of Zoobilee Zoo.  But in its insanity Videodrome might just be the most well made movie I’ve ever seen.

Videodrome just succeeds on so many different levels its amazing.  It’s edited to perfection.  The film is paced brilliantly, not one second of it is wasted.  Characters named “Barry Convex” and “Brian O’Blivion” – just a few steps up from wonderful.  James Woods is incredible in the lead, where he plays John Travolta’s greasy younger brother.  No like seriously, he looks like he’d be slimy if you touched him.  Oh yeah – and a clay-mated hole opens up in James Woods’ stomach and he pulls a gun out of it.  Honestly, if Fraggles ran across the screen being chased by Sprocket I wouldn’t question it.  Cronenberg would make you believe it somehow.  Even the soundtrack is amazing.  It’s literally the kind of music they listen to in the Videodrome.  Where ever that place is...  That’s what they listen to there.  It goes from Casio keyboard based Electronica to music that sounds like the Phantom of the Opera is playing it on some enormous organ down in a hidden chamber of James Woods’ apartment building.

The truly amazing thing about Cronenberg, however, is that not only is he one of the great visual wonders of cinema but damn can that guy write.  Characters, scenes… you name it, he can do it.  He’s really one of the most inventive, brilliant filmmakers to ever take on the genre.  Darryl Revok is, in my opinion, one of the best villians ever created.  And Dr. Ruth?  Oh, Dr. Ruth let me count the ways I love thee.  The animosity I felt this time towards the good Doctor was palpable – he’s brilliant but his brilliance makes you distrust him.  Ruth – or “Daddy” as some creepazoids (ahem… Darryl) call him - is truly one of the most eloquently constructed characters I’ve ever seen.  He spends every second he’s on screen pulling you into the movie – although that’s partly due to how incredibly made for that role Patrick McGoohan was.  Now let’s switch back over to the ‘Drome.  If the character of Nicki Brand (played by Blondie’s Debbie Harry) doesn’t prove exactly what kind of freak Cronenberg is – then God help you.  She makes Maggie Gyllenhaal in Secretary look like a nun.  Jack Creley in the role of Brian O’Blivion is handed these monologues to deliver through the tapes within the tape that seem straight out of a Bergman film.

All-in-all though I’ve always had a special kind of admiration for the opening scene of Scanners.  There’s not one word said for like the first five minutes of the film but you understand exactly what’s going on.  Cronenberg can write a Goddamn scene.  And can we talk about the kind of visual gags this guy thinks up?  He’s like the love child of Salvador Dali and Stephen King.  Cronenberg sets Rick Baker up to do some of the best work he’s ever done in Videodrome.  The scene at the end of Scanners where Revok’s veins are pulsating with blue Play-Doh and his eyes roll back into his head makes Christopher Lloyd’s metamorphosis at the end of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? look like a cheap parlor trick.

Now let’s not fool ourselves Scanners and Videodrome are not exceptions to the Cronenberg Lexicon.  Cronenberg has been on a long tread road of increasing insanity.  Let’s take a look at his body of work…

1979 – The Brood…  A sign that David might not be like other children

1981 – Scanners…  The men in the white coats come

1983 – Videodrome…  Jim Henson-drinking-NyQuil-in-a-hotel-room-adapting-Richard-Hell’s-The Voidoid-into-a-finger-puppet-play crazy

1986 – The Fly…  Franz Kafka-wearing-a-tutu-and-doing-the-Flamenco-with-my-great-aunt-Constance crazy

1988 – Dead Ringers…  The-twin-girls-from-The Shining-coming-to-you-in-the-night-and-telling-you-to-drown-a-kitten crazy

1991 – Naked Lunch…  This is just the end all of f**kin’ craziness.  And I can’t help but blame William S. Burroughs for that.

1996 – Crash...  The apex of sentient being’s mental collapse: a special, Buffalo-Bill-dancing-naked-in-a-mirror-to-“Goodbye Horses”-while-he-smears-lipstick-all-over-his-face-like-my-5th-grade-bus-driver kind of crazy.

I think the craziest thing though from the information above has gotta be that Cronenberg made Scanners and Videodrome in a two year span!!  Most horror filmmakers nowadays can’t make two films that good in their entire careers.  Unfortunately for us, Mr. Cronenberg these days has resigned to making Oscar nominated mob movies starring Viggo Mortensen – which is fine because Viggo rules - but let me just call out to Mr. Cronenberg and just say this:  “Dude, come back to horror!!”

And one more for good measure...