So the other day I was hanging out with some friends watching Steven Speilberg’s touching boy-meets-alien classic E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial.  First of all… what a great movie.  I think the last time I probably watched it was when I was like 12 or something.  But it still was still totally kick ass to watch now at as 23 year old man and still totally hit me in that same way it did when I first saw it.  The only thing about this screening was that I guess after living on my own for last five years, I looked at the film in a different light.  This brings me to the hallmark of this entry… upon watching E.T. this time I sat there for a moment and thought, “Wow, E.T. is a really shitty roommate to have around.”

Now I’ve had all kinds of roommates:  the best of the best and the dregs of the dregs – but E.T. takes the cake for the one person I would not want to share my flat with.  Here’s a laundry list of horrible roommate offenses E.T. is guilty of:1)  Did you get E.T.’s rent check this month?  No?  Money for utilities?  No?  Oh, that’s right… you might not’ve received any of those things because he’s f**kin’ alien and has no idea what legal tender is on this planet.  Likely excuse…E.T. also consumes all the Pepsi and Reese’s Pieces that he feels comfortable helping himself to (which apparently is however many you don’t guard with lock, key, and moat).  E.T. is like that roommate who eats all your food and then says “Oh yeah, I’ll get groceries next time” and then never does – except E.T. can’t speak English so he doesn’t even have the common courtesy to lie to you.

2) If there's one thing that E.T. knows how to do better than evade rent-check talks and eat all your Goddamn snacks, its make a mess. After one night of having E.T. at the house, Elliot leaves for like 45 minutes to go to school and E.T. is already downstairs throwing himself a kegger. I'd like to think that E.T. purposely didn't order a bunch of hookers and pizza but I'm gonna have to say he wanted to and, again, just didn't know English well enough. So instead rounding up an army of call girls and making egregious charges to the house, E.T. just runs all over the place like a maniac and knocks shit over. I'd much sooner leave Lawrence Taylor jacked up on cocaine and blindfolded alone in my living room than Mr. Break Every One of My Worldly Possessions the Extra-Terrestrial.

3) Same scene, different offense. While deciding to knock things off their shelves and just toss open containers of food out of the refrigerator because they weren't prepared to his liking, E.T. immediately makes his next move in the Shitty Roommate Hall of Fame: he starts drinking all the beer. That's numero uno on the "shit you just don't do" list. I'll feed you all the Pepsi and Reese's Pieces your glow-in-the-dark hands can carry – but do not drink my beer. Oh yeah and after the consumption of all that beer, E.T. gets a 10 year-old kid drunk. Real classy…

4) Think things aren't working out too well living with E.T.? Well, you're about to find out just how shitty they can be when he BRINGS THE FEDS TO YOUR HOUSE. Yes, after a scene where Elliot and siblings take E.T. out Trick-or-Treating dressing in the costume his little sister should be wearing (umm… E.T. might be a crappy roommate, but Dee Wallace in this movie climbs to the title of "Worst Mother Ever" on a scene-by-scene basis), the kids get caught transporting E.T. (who, let's be honest, is really just a metaphor for harboring an illegal immigrant) and faster than you can "prison sodomy" the suits have zipped a white plastic tent over their house and declared it a quarantine zone. Great. So now I can't even go inside my house to clean up the mess E.T. made...

5)  Now here’s the clincher.  E.T. doesn’t even say “Thank You” when it’s all over.  Maybe I have high standards but I don’t care - eat my food, drink my beer, cross-dress with my little sister’s doll accessories, but please, don’t be a totally ungrateful when you hit the road.  Seriously, and this time it’s not even a matter of him not knowing our language.  At this point in the film, E.T. has already been taught basic English by his “roommates” and, to me, “Thanks” is pretty basic English.  Maybe it’s because I’ve known English all my life but when I took Spanish in High School, I had pretty much learned how to say “Thank You” by the end of the first class.  After getting chased by the NSA, risking his life on a flying bike, and dealing with all of E.T.’s other B.S., Elliot doesn’t even get a “Hey, thanks for all of your hospitality.”  What a dick…

Well I hope I’ve given you all some helpful and unique insight as to why co-signing a lease with E.T. might not be such a good idea.  Next week… Alf:  One Hell of a Golfer!!

Sidenote:  E.T. says five words throughout the course of the film.  Did I miss the part where he mentioned exactly how far incrementally away from his planet he was?