late breaking news bulletin

late breaking news bulletin

GHOULISH's picture

vampire pigeons are running a muck people in local parks and school zones are being terrorised, keep your children indoors do not let them go out with loaves of bread they're lives will be endangered, vampire pigeons are killing police just for the donuts in they're cars, they're firearms are powerless against the feathery hordes, refrain from using all bird calls this will only anger them, as of now there is no known cure for the infection they spread, people are being infected and begging for crumbs while making cooing noises, if you see of hear vampire pigeons please do not approach them, they're highly territorial and will attack in flocks, french government aggred to help but saw the danger and then ran away, local supermarkets are being infested they're bread companies refuse to make deliveries, house cats are disappearing from homes and pet stores, the pentagon denies all allegations of ransom demands from leaders of vampire pigeons, vampire pigeons are now peddling vintage hampster porn for 38 crumbs.

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GHOULISH's picture

this just in. ex vice president dick chainy shoot and killed filine resistance traitor ron jeremy no charges have been filed against him do to the fact that nobody cares, a recent fire took place in a lubricant factory yesterday burning the entire building into ashes and killing every last remaining hampster no investigation is planed because yet again nobody cares, american and british troops are running desperately low on ammo and have resorted to running over infected humans with tanks and armored hummers proving to be some what effective but lots of fun, i'm now moving with filine resistance forces slowly marching are way through the city we are do to arrive some time tomorrow to hopefully put an end to this war once and for all, president ohbama has given direct orders to shoot and kill anyone or anything that opposes our forces in any way and all porn stars are deemed as terrorists and will be shot on sight, we're now at a supply deepo restocking on catnip so i'll report to you again soon. signing off.

sakbeerslayer365's picture

..WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT FEARNET MEMBERS GHOULISH,THE CARPENTER,BABYGURL,IRON23 WRENCH,(luv u pammy),AND SAKBEERSLAYER HAVE JOINED THE FIGHT FROM A DIRECT EDICT FROM PRESIDENT OBAMA.THE PLAN IS TO BOMBARD THE ENEMY WITH SUGGESTIVE COMMENTS AND SEXUAL INNUENDO AS TO CONFUSE THE MASSES OF ENEMIES,THUS LEAVING THEM HELPLESS DUE TO UTTER AND COMPLETE CONFUSION.WHEN APPROCHED FOF COMMENTS OTHER FEAR NET MEMBERS SUCH AS JESUS BABY AND KAILA101 WERE TOO BUSY EITHER BREASFEEDING OR FIXING THEIR HAIR.WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS ENTAILS.DOUBLE J FROM FEARNET WAS QUOTED I'M TOO BUSY LOOKING AT MY BOOB MICHELLE WAS TOO BUSY PULLING THE THONG OUT OF HER BUTT TO ANSWER QUESTIONS.IN OTHER FEARNET NEWS FOX WAS HEARD TO SAY..YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK.

GHOULISH's picture

this just in, its true fans of horror movies are now confusing the hell out of people with crazy and sometimes pointless stories, when asked why by reporters fearnet member kaboom shot them with a rocket launcher turning they're entire bodies into liquid the only witness was a blind man who replied i didn't see a thing, sick and vulgar comments are becoming the norm if people are becoming irritated or disgusted by these comments and are truly offended you should find a quiet place sit down calmly and kill yourself, it is now know that deranged lunatics are slowly taking over fearnet all members of this group are said to actually be deranged lunatics loving movies where people are brutally killed and then laugh about it, possibly one of the most deranged of they're lunatics who go's by the name of GHOULISH is constantly writing interesting but extremely insane stories that not to many people read but if your actually reading this right now your not as much of a asshole as i thought you were, in closing F U.

spookyboo's picture

This just in.  The human front now, among several officials called to duty, were Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin.  Previous media rumors considering Sarah Palin's demotion / stepping down as governer of Alaska were all a clever ploy, generated by officials, as not to induce panic on the spreading of the C.R.A.P.'s virus.  Apparently Alaska was one of the first states to notice the wild behavior of several migrating birds after many reports were made about missing eskimos, dog sled and igloo attacks.  For the last several months, Palin and Clinton have been training within the Wild Cats forces.  Stating simply, "We may have lost the battle to the White House, but we will win this war!" Aside from both parties being able to shoot off their mouths, both have shot down many other opponents (literally) and should blend in relatively well with the rest of the cougars.  This may be one of the newest landmarks in history, proving that women are just as deadly in combat and capable of being in the front lines, as well as leading such fronts into battle.

    Dr. Herbert West has commented on these new revelations stating: "this was an excellent stance for the military to take, as we all know that women can periodically bleed for several days and still not die." As previous reports have stated, Dr. West is still working on a vaccine. However, since 2/3rds of the world's food consists mainly of poultry, Herbert West has created a C.R.A.P.'s resistant form of dipping sauce which may in fact, counteract the dangers of eating the infected poultry. "Its still in the process of testing and is currently awaiting FDA approval" said West earlier this morning. He denies any involvement of creating the original vampire pigeons, as most of his earlier escaped experiments involved the human species. Despite the creation of poultry dipping sauce, the CDC still warns that any edible poultry must be deep-fried, as some deaths have occured from experimentation with the sauce, that is currently being created and shipped via the black market into other countries.

    The previous North Korean's  suggestion of aid and arms were also denied by the U.N. "At this point, their missils are not capable of reaching great distances." Quoted Clinton at a press release that aired this morning.  Many other government leaders also fear that the vampire pigeons may have been a careful ploy of N. Korea's efforts in creating biological warfare in the Western world.  "There origin, is still a mystery" added Dr. West at the same press conference this morning.

    In related news, former Vice President Dick Cheney is going through related training via the underground gov't Wild Cat program.  Although Mr. Cheney has met with great success in his mission to decimate the enemy (pigeons / zombies). The military has initiated a simulated hunting program via Play Station to lower the risk of uninfected human casualties.  This was initiated after the accidental shooting of government house member Scooter Libby.  Which former president Bush  declared a "horrible accident."  Apparently earlier training he recieved via Nintendo's Duck Hunt is now considered obsolete, because the simulater only provided for duck, pigeon and skeet shooting.  There was no completed training regarding plausible targets among the differences of human or zombie undead species.  This was because humanitarian efforts and earlier protests of the liberal wing, considered launching zombies in a skeet shoot, as cruel and unusual punishment and a violation of civil rights. To this the NAACP has no comment.

    

spookyboo's picture

 New troops among the War Cat initiated Cougar front:

Guns and Ammo 5Guns and Ammo 4Guns and Ammo 1Guns and Ammo 2

 

 

 

 

 

Training program photo's below:

Guns and Ammo 3Bird Hunter 2Bird Hunter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dr. Herbert West's dipping sauce that is awaiting FDA approval:

Bird Flu Dipping Sauce

sakbeerslayer365's picture

...THIS IS WOLF BLITZER REPORTING FROM THE FALLOUT SHELTER AT CNN TOWERS..WE ARE APPROXIMATELY THREE MILES BELOW THE SURFACE .MY ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE BUSTER HYMEN JUST MOMENTS AGO SUCCOMED TO HIS INJURIES IN THE EARLIER ATTACK,,AND HIS BODY IS BEING SENT TO MISKATONIC UNIVERSITYS  FOR A COMPLETE AUTOPSY TO BE PERFORMED BY DR HERBERT WEST IN A STERILE AND CONTAGION FREE ENVIRONMENT.I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT A SERIES OF EXPERIMENTS WILL BE CARRIED OUT TO SEE IF THE COMBINATION OF RADICAL DNA FROM MR HYMENS CORPSE AND THE STILL UNTESTED DIPPING SUCE  MAY HOLD THE KEY TO AT LEAST SLOWING THE CONTAGION.ON ANOTHER SAD NOTE THE LIQUIFIED REMAINS OF FEARNET MEMBERS ARE TO BE TESTED FOR A RARE FORM OF RECOMBINANT DNA THAT CAN BE USED AS A VACCINE OF SORTS,ALTHOUGH I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT THE POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS ARE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE REACTIONS TO PREVIOUS POSTS TO THE STILL LIVING FEARNET MEMBERS.WE'LL HAVE MORE ON THIS BREAKING NEWS AS IT BECOMES AVAILABLE..THIS IS WOLF BLITZER SIGING OFF FROM DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF THE CNN TOWERS....

babygurl8324's picture

ROFLMFAO!!!  You guys are seriously causing tummy spasms in me...

babuh's picture

oh man!!  you guys are fricking funny!!!  you should send this story to lloyd kaufman it sounds like his kind of production

"FRICKING FUNNY" TWO THUMBS UP !!!

" I LAUGHED SO HARD I PEED A LITTLE"

THANKS FOR THE GIGGLE

LOL BABUH

sakbeerslayer365's picture

..We now have secret video evidence that indeed proves that former president George W Bush secretlty conspired with not only members of Al Kaida but also members of a splinter group of the Taliban.unleashing the vampire pigeons upon humanity in an effort to boost the economy and slow population growth.It has also been discovered that our roving reporter Wolf Blitzer was detained by the Fearnet community  and waterboarded for several hours to force him to disclose the whereabouts of said tape.He is now being held in a still undisclosed location,but it is assumed that he is being held somewhere in Waco Texas under armed guard.For more on this story we now send you to the newest member of our journalistic team..take it away MJ.

    eeeheeee..Ooops sorry about that.its still a bad habit of mine.While its true that Wolf is being held captive.we still cant be sure he has given up this vital information....Ohhh shit Blanket ..my nose fell off again.We'll be right back after a short commercial break...

    OK.we are back in our CNN studios as apparently we have lost the video feed from Neverland.There is still no word on the location of the tape but it is rumoured that it may be released on the internet within the next few days.Sources close to CNN are mounting a huge paparazzi invasion in the Waco area to search for the Fearnet terror organizations hideout.

  In other related news an underground militia of SWAT trained wallabys has been commisioned for the next stage of the offensive.The infected human population has grown considerably in the last several days and it is thought that the wallabys have ankle biting abilities  that may at least slow the infected down so they can be picked off by the highly trained fruit bat snipers.When reached for comment on these latest developements by cell-phone Dr Herbert West declined comment but did ad that the DNA testing and experiments are falling behind due to a lack of suitable intelligent subjects,but the dipping sauce is nearly perfected.

  We now send you to the organizer of the wallaby militia..Colonel Chevy Chase.

"Well I believe there is a decent chance of success here,what with failed hamster idea and whatnot. We truly believe that by slowing down the infected humans will at least give our fruit bat troops a chance to pick a bunch of 'em off.Unfortunately they dont have a lot of stamina and we expect both wallaby and fruit bat casualties to be high..but that is the price you pay during wartime.Goodbye..I'm Chevy Chase and youre not."

  And so there you have it.All the latest news on this worldwide tragedy that we have acess to.More bulletins will be forthcoming ..as soon as we know..so will you.Good night and godspeed from all of us here at the CNN towers newsrooms.

sakbeerslayer365's picture

...Earlier today representatives of the NAACP held a news conference concerning the tactical deployment of the fruit bat snipers.What follows is a strongly edited transcript of their statements.

      You white (CENSORED) still tryin to keep our African brothers down.We all know that these fruit bats are black ..and from our Motherland.We will not stand for the repression of our black African animal brothers.You honky (CENSORED) did the same (CENSORED) to us in Vietnam.How many more brothers will be sacrificed for the war you white (CENSORED) started?

   Colonel Chevy Chase was unavailable for comment but his Cheif Advisor for Bat Operations,Major Alfred E. Newman merely responded..and I quote..'What..me worry?"

  Now back to your regularly scheduled program...18 Wheels of Justice,joined alredy in progress.

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