late breaking news bulletin

late breaking news bulletin

GHOULISH's picture

vampire pigeons are running a muck people in local parks and school zones are being terrorised, keep your children indoors do not let them go out with loaves of bread they're lives will be endangered, vampire pigeons are killing police just for the donuts in they're cars, they're firearms are powerless against the feathery hordes, refrain from using all bird calls this will only anger them, as of now there is no known cure for the infection they spread, people are being infected and begging for crumbs while making cooing noises, if you see of hear vampire pigeons please do not approach them, they're highly territorial and will attack in flocks, french government aggred to help but saw the danger and then ran away, local supermarkets are being infested they're bread companies refuse to make deliveries, house cats are disappearing from homes and pet stores, the pentagon denies all allegations of ransom demands from leaders of vampire pigeons, vampire pigeons are now peddling vintage hampster porn for 38 crumbs.

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sakbeerslayer365's picture

THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT FOR RUBBER BODY PROTECTION

..HI THIS IS BILLY MAYS..I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD BUT THANKS TO THE MIRACLE OF REGENRATION I'M HERE TO SHOW YOU THE LATEST THING IN VAMPIRE PIGEON PROTECTION....THE FULL BODY CONDOM RUBBER PROTECTION SUIT!!...MADE FROM THE FINEST CROATION RUBBER,ELASTIC LATEX AND GARLIC JUICE,THIS SUIT GUARANTEES TOTAL DEFENCE AGAINST THOSE PESKY VAMPIRE PIGEONS...JUST SLIP IT OVER YOUR BODY AND FEEL 100% SECURE WHEN YOU WALK OUT THE DOOR..GO SHOPPING WITHOUT FEAR.ASAN ADDED BONUS EACH SUIT CONTAINS A ENVIRONMENTALLY SAFE AIR STERILIZER TO KEEP OUT THOSE UNSEEN AIRBORN TOXINS AND VIRUSES..AND..IF YOU ORDER IN THE NEXT TWENTY MINUTES WE WILL INCLUDE FREE OF CHARGE A DOGGY BODY CONDOM TO MAKE SURE MANS BEST FRIEND IS PROTECTED AS WELL..PAY ONLY EXTRA SHIPPING AND HANDLING CHARGES..ALL THIS FOR $19.99..BUT WAIT..IF YOU ACT NOW AS AN EXTRA,EXTRA BONUS WILL WILL SEND YOU OUR BEST-SELLING BOOK 100 WAYS AN ANT-EATER CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE..DONT WAIT ..CALL NOW!!!!

UP NEXT..LIVE FROM THE STUDIOS OF THE 700 CLUB..YOUR HOSTS...PAT ROBERTSON AND SPECIAL GUEST REV. ERNEST AINGLEY

PAT ROBERTSON;GOOD EVENING FRIENDS AND CHILDREN OF GOD.TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU MY THOUGHTS ON THE CURRENT CRISIS THAT IS CRUMBLING THE VERY FOUNDATIONS OF OUR FAITH.OUR CHURCH IS UNDER ATTACK FROM WITHOUT AND FROM WITHIN,OUR PEOPLE MASSACRED IN THE THE NAME OF THE UNHOLY LIBERAL EXTREMISTS THAT NOW HOLD POWER IN THIS ONCE GREAT COUNTRY.A MANIFESTATION OF ALL THAT IS EVIL.A PLAGUE UPON GOD-FEARING CHRISTIANS WORLDWIDETHE GREATEST SIN TO EVER BEFALL MANKIND.

ERNEST;YOU ARE SO RIGHT MY RIGHTEOUS BROTHER,LET THE HEALING POWER OF JEEEESUSSSS ENTER THE SOULS OF THOSE WICKED BEAUROCRATS THAT SEEK TO DESTROY OUR HOLY CHURCH!..PARDON ME MY BROTHER..WHAT WAS THAT NOISE I JUST HEARD?SOUNDS LIKE A BUNCH O GODS FLYING ANGELS BEATING AT THE DOOR....HOLY FUCKIN SHIT ITS THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS..I'M OUTTA HERE...AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH

..DUE TO TECHNICAL PROBLEMS BEYOND OUR CONTROL THIS BROADCAST HAS BEEN TAKEN OFF THE AIR..WE NOW TAKE YOU BACK TO THE PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE

PRESS SECRETARY ROLLIN JOINTZ IS AT THE PODIUM;LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,MEMBERS OF THE PRESS,OUR INTERIM PRESIDENT AND CHIEF OF STAFF..MR. CHUCK U. FARLEY.

PREZ;GOOD DAY..WHAT?WHO ARE ALL THESE ASSHOLES?

ROLLIN;THEYRE MEMBERS OF THE PRESS MR. PRESIDENT.

PREZ;REALLY!?I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA HAVE A KEGGER..UH AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY SOMETHING?

ROLLIN;YES SIR,YOU HAVE A PREPARED SPEECH RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

PREZ;YOU KNOW I FAILED PUBLIC SPEAKING IN HIGH SCHOOL,WHAT IF I PISS MY PANTS UP HERE?

ROLLIN;(WHISPERING)..SIR YOU ARE SPEAKING INTO A LIVE MICROPHONE..THEY CAN HEAR EVERYTHING THAT YOURE SAYING!

PREZ;OH SHIT..OOPS..SORRY!..MY BAD.

ROLLIN;JUST READ THE WORDS ON THE PAPER,SIR.

PREZ;OK..GOTCHA...MY FELLOW AMERICANS..HOLD ON WHO WROTE THIS CRAP?

ROLLIN;YOU DID SIR

PREZ;I DONT REMEMBER ANY OF THIS,CANT I JUST ANSWER A FEW QUESTIONS?

ROLLIN;THATS UP TO YOU SIR

PREZ;I NEED A DRINK ..I'LL BE RIGHT BACK

DIRECTOR;QUICK..CUT TO COMMERCIAL!!!NOW!!!

 

 

 

sakbeerslayer365's picture

ROLLIN;ONCE AGAIN LADIES AND GENTLEMAN..UH THIS GUY.

PREZ;DID YOU NOTICE HOW THOSE TOILETS WORK?YOU JUST WAVE YOUR HAND AND IT FLUSHES..I'M GONNA NEED ONE OF THOSE AT THE BLUE HOUSE

ROLLIN;ITS THE WHITE HOUSE SIR

PREZ;NOT ANYMORE..I HAD IT PAINTED BLUE

ROLLIN;ANY QUESTIONS?

EDITOR OF HIGH TIMES MAGAZINE;YO DUDE WHATS UP THE CRAZY BIRDS MAN?

PREZ;I HAVE A PARAKEET

IVANA FUKU,INDEPENDANT REPORTER;WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU HAVE ANY CLUE AS TO WHATS GOING ON?

PREZ;NEXT QUESTION

LINDSAY LOHAN;EXCUSE ME..IS THERE GONNA BE..UH..LIKE AN AFTER PARTY?

ROLLIN;PLEASE REMOVE HER FROM THE ROOM AND STERILIZE THE CHAIR SHE WAS SITTING IN...JESUS CHRIST..NEXT QUESTION!

PREZ; I THINK I JUST HAD AN ACCIDENT

ROLLIN;SORRY FOLKS IT SEEMS MR. PRESIDENT WILL BE UNABLE TO FIELD ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS AT THIS TIME..THANK YOU FOR COMING AND REMEMBER TO WEAR YOUR RUBBER BODY SUITS ON YOUR WAY OUT.

GHOULISH's picture

this just in, we are completely surrounded by infected people and vampire pigeons the only thing keeping us alive is the thick armor of our tanks wich are out of fuel and ammo leaving us stationary targets for any attack, i've been constantly trying to reach someone for help via radio but i can only contact local nyu scientists and other researchers who have barricaded themselves inside the chrysler building, they contact me periodically with updates on the situation and movements of infected hordes, but in our present location our tanks are not in their view and fires are breaking out rapidly making it harder for them to see anything do to the smoke, i fear i'm losing my sanity because i hear the the roars of lions or some other big cats getting louder and louder as if the sound is getting closer and closer, while the infected people all around us must possess some basic intelligence they stopped attacking its like they know they cant get us and are just standing there waiting, i'll report to you again soon

GHOULISH's picture

check check 1 2 hello this is tank 115A-T4 do you copy over this is captain odell requesting assistance do you copy over, this just in, the captain is trying the radio again and again trying to reach navy seal units stationed around the city but he gets no response so we fear for the worst, their the best of the best and if their out of commission we may be the cities only line of defence god help us if that's true, the sounds of roars are still persisting in my head getting louder and louder by the minute, through my window i keep seeing blurs small dark colored things running through the streets zipping by at high speeds, 'wait' i cant believe what my eyes are seeing its cats cats everywhere so many of them the streets look as if their covered in furr, their grouping in enormous numbers but not attacking just waiting waiting for something but what? the roars sounds very close now only yards away it seems, dear lord its true i count 4 male lions that seem to be leading the pack followed by two rare tigers---

GHOULISH's picture

i count 4 male lions that seem to be leading the pack followed by two rare bangle tigers this is truly an amazing sight i wish i had a camera to document this momentous occasion, the two tigers have spotted the horde of infected people around us and are growling barring their enormous fangs, the 4 male lions take notice as well sniffing the air then tilting their heads back and roaring all at the same time what a deafening sound, and in an instant the entire cat army races forward with a full scale attack this is an amazing sight their numbers seem to be never ending, it seems as if the tigers are tracking the infected and the lions are commanding the charge their working together as one enormous army 'fascinating', this coordinated army of cats is attacking shredding the infected and eating every piece leaving nothing but bones, what tanks and a helicopter failed to do after days of fighting this cat army is doing in seconds decimating infected with the greatest of ease simply put its 1 plague vs another,,,

sakbeerslayer365's picture

..live from th Oral..I mean OVAL office at the Blue (FORMERLLY wHITE) HOUSE..

PRESS SECRETARY ROLLIN JOINTZ;..NOW THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS SOBERED UP HE HAS A BRIEF STATEMENT TO MAKE

PREZ CHUCK U. FARLEY;  LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,CONCERNED CITIZENS AND ANYONE ELSE WHO GIVES A SHIT..WE HERE IN WASHINGTON APPLAUDE THE EFFORTS OF NOT ONLY THE CATS BUT ALL THE OTHER PUSSIES INVOLVED IN THESE LATEST ATTEMPTS TO STEM THE TIDE OF THE CONTAGION..YA KNOW..I REALLY HATE CATS..BUT WHAT THE HELL..WHATEVER WORKS..THE SUPPOSED BUSH TAPE HAS BEEN PROVEN TO BE A HOAX..MASTERMINDED BY NONE OTHER THAN THE MICHEAL JACKSON ESTATE IN AN ATTEMPT TO GARNER EVEN MORE PUBLICITY..YA KNOW THEY SHOULD ALL JUST GO AWAY...IN ANY EVENT I HAVE SENT A BILL TO CONGRESS TO HAVE THEM ALL DEPORTED TO BOSNIA OR SOMEPLACE LIKE THAT..I DONT RECALL...THATS NOT IMPORTANT...WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS MY STAUNCH SUPPORT OF THE ALL THOSE WORKING TOGETHER AS A STRONG UNITED FORCE IN THE WAKE OF RECENT SETBACKS AND TRAGEDIES..UH..MONICA I'M FINISHED..Y'ALL CAN GET OUT FROM UNDER THE DESK NOW..AND CHANGE THAT DRESS..ITS A MESS..ON YOUR WAY OUT HAND ME A CIGAR...UMM..WHERE WAS I..OH YES...WE HAVE BEEN RECENTLY INFORMED THAT WOLF BLITZER HAS BEEN RELEASED FROM HIS CONFINEMENT AT ARKHAM ASYLUM AND WILL BE BRINGING US LIVE UPDATES WHENEVER HE FUCKIN GETS AROUND TO IT...DONT KNOW WHY HE A NEEDS A ROUNDTUIT..IS THAT LIKE A SEX THINGY?..ALSO AT THE RECENT PRESS CONFERENCE IT WAS CONFIRMED THAT LINDSAY LOHAN INFECTED DOZENS OF MEMBERS OF THE PRESS WITH A STILL UNKNOWN ILLNESS..SAMPLES OF WHAT APPEAR TO BE A GREEN STICKY SUBSTANCE ARE NOW BEING ANALYZED AT THE C.D.C...WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH ANYTHING..DAMNED IF I KNOW!WELL..ANYWHOO..GOOD NIGHT AMERICA..GOTTA GO DO A BUMP.

sakbeerslayer365's picture

..Esteemed biologist,author and avowed blanket carrier Dr. Linus Van Pelt believes he has possibly found an antidote to counteract the C.R.A.P.S. virus.In his studies he has been injecting large amounts of fragmented arterial reticular tetrazines(F.A.R.T.s) into volunteer subjects at his laboratory in Caracas,Venezuela.With the assistance of one Dr. H. Mengele he has exposed these subjects to extremely high levels of the airborn variety of the CRAPS virus in contained areas.After exposure the volunteers are then injected with FARTs  vaccine and made to watch old episodes of The Golden Girls.He stated that initial results have been very positive,with few side effects,such as an overwhelming urge to masturbate to photos of Bea Arthur,incontinence,a craving for cucumbers and male menopause-like symptoms.

    Dr Van Pelt ;We managed to capture approximately one hundred of the vampire pigeons in cat-snares and blew cigar smoke in their face to induce coughing.We then collected the airborn virus in hermetically sealed pumpkins.We have also managed to gain custody of several infected humans who are now being experimented on by my colleague Dr Mengele in his private lab.We are taking every precaution neccessary to insure that none  of the pigeons or infected humans escape.South America surprisingly has little infestation or major incidents that we've been seeing in the rest of the world which offers us a huge oppotunity to carry on our experiments in relatively safe conditions.

Reporter Carmine Ragusa:Isnt it true that you were bitten by one of those pecker-faced bloodsuckers and are now,yourself,infected?

Dr. Van Pelt;Yes I was bitten,but by using one of the first doses of the anti-virus vaccine I seem to have suffered no ill effects other than the five-knuckle shuffle side effect.Any way she wasnt bad lookin for an old broad.

Reporter Carmine Ragusa ;Thank you doctor and good luck.We hope to get an exclusive interview  with Dr Mengele as soon as the high pitched screaming  from his lab stops.Now back to your regular programming Afro-American Idol-the Road to Soul Train,alredy in progress.                                                                         

sakbeerslayer365's picture

..we take you now to recently released reporter Wolf Blitzer from the torch at the statue of liberty...

WOLF;  THE SITUATION HERE IS GRAVE TO SAY THE LEAST...OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT I HATE HEIGHTS...THE SKIES ARE LITERALLY BLACKENED BY THE SHEER MASS OF ASSORTED BIRDS,AFRICAN FRUIT BATS,CROWS,RAVENS AND WHAT APPEAR TO BE DEATHSHEAD MOTHS..THEY HAVE BLOTTED OUT ANY SUNLIGHT..YET THEY APPEAR TO BE HOVERING IN PLACE..WAITING..FOR WHAT WE DO NOT KNOW.ALL ROADS OUT OF THE FOUR BURROUGHS HAVE BEEN BLOCKED BY HEAVY MILITARY MACHINERY AND MINIATURE JAPANESE LASER TRUCKS.THOSE ATTEMPTING TO FLEE ACROSS THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE ON FOOT HAVE BEEN MET WITH HORDES OF INFECTED QUASI-HUMAN MUTATIONS AND SMALL INSECTOID CREATURES RESEMBLING WHAT FEW WITNESSES HAVE DESCRIBED AS A COMBINATION OF COCKROACHES AND CHIPMUNKS.HEAVY ARTILLERY HAS BEEN DEPLOYED AS FAR AS REDHOOK BROOKLYN TO MAINTAIN PEACE AGAINST THE NOW RIOTING AND LOOTING HUMAN SURVIVORS.CHILDREN AS YOUNG AS TWO YEARS OLD HAVE BEEN REPORTED AS BEING SOLD ON THE BLACK MARKET AS A SOURCE OF FOOD TO FEED THOSE IN AIR RAID SHELTERS,CHURCHES AND SYNAGOGUES.MASSIVE FIRES,FUELED BY THE CORPSES OF BOTH THE INFECTED AND RECENTLY DEAD SEND A FOUL BLACK SMOKE THROUGH TIMES SQUARE.IN SOME SECTIONS OF THE BRONX IT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE A GIANT LITTERBOX OF FELINE FECES AND URINE.IF WE TAKE A LONG CAMERA SHOT ACROSS THE BAY WE SEE LITERALLY HUNDREDS OR MAYBE THOUSANDS OF CORPSES,BOTH HUMAN AND ANIMAL FLOATING LANGUIDLY IN THE STRANGELY STILL WATER.WHAT WOULD BE A SOFT FLUTTERING OF WINGS ABOVE IS A MADDENING CACOPHONY OF IMMINENT DEATH.AT THIS TIME WE HAVE LOST ALL CONTACT FROM THE RUBBLE OF ONCE WAS CNN TOWERS.WE KNOW THAT REPORTER MONICA LEWINSKI IS ON SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT AT THE BLUE(FORMERLY WHITE)HOUSE AND ARE WAITING FOR HER TO SIGN IN AND GIVE US AN UPDATE SOMETIME SOON.WAIT..THERES A HUGE RUMBLING SOUD FROM VERY FAR NORTH OF MY POSITION..A BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT..AND A MUSHROOM CLOUD!!!!!...TO BE CONTINUED

GHOULISH's picture

the cat army left just as quickly as they came decimating the infected people in mere minutes with ease leaving nothing but skeletons behind not even one drop of blood was left to stain the ground bones scattered everywhere, being immune to the virus their the perfect solution for this problem infected blood drives them wild with hunger and there's so many of them they just slaughter their prey, i have to let you know i discovered that vampire pigeons don't attack at night for some reason they just sleep like normal pigeons its strange, the cloud like flocks perched atop the buildings just sit there watching but not moving an inch as if their conserving their strength, while i had the change i took the risk of being killed and raided a nearby abandoned corner store for supplies, but when i got back all four tanks were completely empty the soldiers have left me here all alone and i know if i call out the pigeons will awaken and attack me, i walk quickly and quietly back into the store wait somethings in here..

GHOULISH's picture

its to dark to see anything but i hear things moving and a low pitched moaning noise coming from just a few feet away it seems like, i can barely describe how terrified i am my hearts racing and i can't control my breathing my legs start to shake as the terrifying moaning noise slowly comes closer and closer, once again i take the cigarette lighter from my pocket to see what's in here with me i'm almost to afraid to look but i have to know, my hands are trembling with fear i try over and over flicking the lighter trying to see something but i can't make a flame while the entire time i hear a deep breathing sound dear god what is it, i finally get it lit i look around the store and see nothing then i hear the deep breathing sound again coming from behind me slowly i turn around my heat pounds with terror, and sitting there sniffing the air around me is a young lion who possibly got lost in the last charge, the window smashes its one of the soldiers he's infected the lion pushes me aside and rips him apart,,,,,

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