Short Story.. How was this piece? Did it bore you? Was the ending predictable?

Short Story.. How was this piece? Did it bore you? Was the ending predictable?

babygurl8324's picture


In general what do you think about it.  How did it make you feel or think?  Do you sympathize with the character Jessica, or the killer?


                                                                                           New Life

As the killer, the monster, stalked slowly toward Jessica, an evil maniacal grin played across his lips.  He drug the heads of her friends on a fishing stringer behind him like some gruesome trophies and a cliched machete in the other hand.  He lumbered toward her, and just like in any b rated horror movie, she couldn't move from fear.  Fear kept her there, shaking in her own flesh, as the deformed beast of a man slowly, strainingly brought one obese foot in front of the other.

If nothing else, this past week in the desert had taught her how to survive.  Jessica thought for a moment about pleading for her life.  What good had that done for her friends?  Had they begged for their lives?  Had they groveled at this pig's...whatever they are?  No!  She would not grovel or plead.  If she was going to die, it was going to happen to her kicking and screaming.  She couldn't fight, she had nothing to fight with.  She thought as she looked at the empty cave around her.  She looked up and payed little attention to the sun shining from above.  She stood up tall, but still quivering as the thing stopped within arms length.

The man looked at Jessica and the smile faded from his deformed face.  He could slightly smell an old rusty smell on her.  Dried blood.  His head fell forward as he dropped to his knees.  A fat, filthy hand reached up and grabbed for one of hers.  

Jessica stood there as the thing held her hand.  He lifted up the machete, and she closed her eyes, but nothing happened.  She slowly opened one eye, and then the other.  The beast was gone, and so where the heads.  The machete, on the other hand, was at her feet.  Her body quaked as she let out the most gut wrenching scream, everything that she had witnessed, everything she had ever done flashed before her.  All of her good works and accomplishments flew through her memories.  Her loving mother, and father passed by.  She screamed up to the sun, and stamped her feet.  Life, so it seemed, caught up with her at last.  She bent down and grabbed the blood stained machete and ran toward the mouth of the cave.

In no time at all she was upon the killer, she briskly walked upon him with mindful determination.  Memories flashed through her mind, painful ones, distubing ones.  She thought of nothing as the decrepid man stooped in front of her.  She thought of nothing as he folded his hands to her and muttered words of appology.  She thought of only one thing as she brought the machete down and sliced his back open.  She thought of one thing as she kept slinging the blade at him hacking though him as though she were chopping wood.  She thought of one thing.  The sun.  How brightly the sun shines beaming its rays down on mankind.  The sun, which promises hope and new days, and happiness.  The sun.  How it fades, and dissapears, and lets in the dark.  The dark, which brings out the monsters.  The monsters, which she now realized, were all to real.  

Blood ran in torrents beneath her feet.  Body parts lay scattered amongst the cave floor, and splattered along the walls.  Not realizing it, a smile played across Jessica's lips.  She smiled a big gleaming smile and blood continued to spray across her face and body.  Jessica stopped and looked around and let out a deep sigh.  She stepped over what little remained of the man's torso.  She bent down and picked up the end of the blood drenched stringer and ripped it out of the mouths and necks of her four friends heads.  Laying them all on the floor of the cave with their distorted faces toward her she let out another sigh.  She took a few steps back and kicked each one of them against the cave walls listening to the bones crunch as they hit, and then a sickening splat as they fell to the cave floor.

She wiped her hands on her pants and walked out of the cave with machete in hand.  Her boyfriend Todd lay against a stone with broken legs.  Jessica came up on him and didn't even hear him talk as the machete came down splitting his skull.  She tried to jerk it up, but it wouldn't budge.
She placed her foot upon one of his shoulders and pushing she pulled the machete from him skull.  Blood poured.  Jessica walked.

New day.  New life.

The End


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Lucifer5's picture

The only thing that sucked about this story is the pink-on-black text. Makes it hard to focus on the story.

Poor Jessica will never be the same again. I just watched Hills have eyes 2(again) a few days ago and this is a bit reminiscing of that. This short bit does make me wanna read more, i.e. how she got there, how her friends were killed and (I'm guessing) what kind of a jackass her boyfriend was to her.

Curious as to why she killed off the boyfriend tho..? Even if he was a big time jackass, was he deserving his death or did Jess simply lost the last bit of her sanity? Maybe she just wanted to erase any memories of the event for her own sake or maybe she's the one who really was the monster in this story..? Kickin the severed heads of her former buddies has a meaning this short story is unclear of, so yeah, I'd like to read the previous chapters.

Did not bore me in the least.

babygurl8324's picture

Ever think she might have kicked the heads of her buddies cause she felt like it??  IF they were already dead anyway why not have some fun..LOL

GHOULISH's picture

yeah i liked it i remember you wrote this i while ago on deranged lunatics right ? and yeah i'm with jessica if someone is trying to kill you kill them first. people have 3 natural responses, run, fight or freeze in terror. so kick some ass !! hell yeah play soccer with the heads why not lol she's gotta be crazy by now anyway. maybe she could become the new killer, stalking the same area where her friends were killed. there's the sequel lol. later babyg 'peace'

twistedstoryteller123's picture

I rather enjoyed that short story. It had an interesting monster, a brave herione, and kept you interested. As for the ending, it seem very appropriate for the context. Congratulations, Baby Gurl. This story made me realize what someone would do to survive, and in her case, it was to fight back no matter the consequence. I sympathize with the girl, because she is a victim put in a situation she obviously couldn't control.

GHOULISH's picture

why do they call female hero's a heroin ?? it makes me think of drugs, its like she saved those peoples lives but she needs her smack lol. anyway this story is real prize,,,, prize piece of crap lol. babyg you there ?? hello ?? hello ?? i'm cracking jokes and your not responding i'm getting bored... ok a catholic priest a rabbi and a donkey walk into a bar and say, did you here the joke about us.... bad jokes the horror

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