Mother Goose meets Fearnet

Hello fellow Fearnet family,

Johbai here; and I’ve been thinking…Ever since I joined the Fearnet community, I’ve been contributing blogs of my literary work; that have all consisted of a somewhat dark, yet serious, nature.  But now I think it’s time for us to “let our hair down”…so to speak…and allow you to see a more light-hearted side of my persona.  So…if you don’t mind…allow me to indulge and present you with a little exposition of mine that I like to call…

Mother Goose meets Fearnet

By John Baiori

So sit back and relax while I get ready to…

Decapitate that fowl bitch; rip every freaking feather off her scrawny little carcass; gut her; shove some water chestnut stuffing up her ass; baste her in plum sauce; and serve her up with a heaping of chilled cranberry sauce from a can. (The real stuff can be too tart I think…Don’t you? Yet I digress…) So enjoy.  Oooh Yeahhh!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall; Humpty Dumpty had a great fall; All the King’s horses, and all the King’s men…

Cracked open a case of Jimmy Dean sausages and had themselves one mother of an omelet that morning.  You know what I’m talking about…the kind where you throw all that miscellaneous shit that you find sitting in the fridge in…and just mix it all together and fry it up in like a tub of butter…Mmmm….now that’s an omelet!

Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water; Jack fell down, and broke his crown…

So they thought; until CSU discovered the truth…that that psycho bitch of a sister of his smashed his cranium in with her pail…why…they’re not sure if it was a serious case of penis envy or just plain old run of the mill PMS…Regardless; she’s sitting on death row now…waiting to get like 250,000 volts zapped through her homicidal ass.  I say good riddance…and fuck all you bleeding heart liberals.  Remember kiddies…when it comes to dealing with scumbag killers…Don’t set ‘em loose; give ‘em the juice.

Old Mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard, to fetch her dog a bone…

But when she realized the cupboard was bare…she offed old Fido and whipped up some Korean “beef” on a stick…the way Amah showed her how growing up back in the old country.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe; who had so many children, she didn’t know what to do…

Until the sleaze ball…the neighborhood Meagan’s list resident…down the block showed her how to get them turning tricks, doing kiddie porn and/or working in the white-slavery market.  Now she’s raking in the dough, and living in an eleven room penthouse on the upper-Westside.

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner…

Whacking off like a spider monkey in heat.  I mean, he was “going to town” so bad; that three mice that were passing by who saw him over exuberantly gratifying himself went blind.  But theirs is another tail…I mean tale…My bad.  So; as long as we’re on the subject…

Three blind mice; Three blind mice; See how they run…

Into the street without a clue as to where the fuck they’re going…and SPLATTT!  Mice and truck tires…you do the math.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet; eating her curds and whey; Along came a spider; who sat down beside her…

Freaking the little arachnophobic bitch out; causing her to choke to death…and naturally…as one final demoralizing insult…soiling herself in the process.  But on the bright side…the excrement drew plenty of flies; enabling the spider to indulge in a bountiful meal…Hey…you don’t suppose that the spider…nah.  I’m almost positive it wasn’t a premeditated act…Or was it?

Hey Diddle, Diddle; The cat played the fiddle; The cow jumped over the moon…

Not having any concept of the atmospheric conditions…or lack there of…Causing the dumb fuck to implode…sending pieces of bovine flesh, bone guts and intestines haphazardly hurling through the vast, black cold abyss of space.

Mary had a little lamb; whose fleece was white as snow…

Until Easter rolled around, and grandma hankered for a nice fresh leg of lamb; sending grandpa out to cut its throat…its hot, gushing jugular blood spurting all over its once cottony-soft coat…now a crimson, matted, smelly mess…Fucking up poor Mary like Clarice Sterling in Silence of the Lambs…”Fly away little bird…fly away…”.

And one last one for the road…

Jack be nimble; Jack be quick; Jack jumped over the candlestick…

Which he used later that evening in the cover of the dark to set his neighbor’s house on fire…burning everyone in there alive; facing an excruciating death…Not to mention creating a putrid smell of burning flesh which permeated the air for blocks; leaving that horrid stench lingering for days in the neighborhood.  But hey; he warned his neighbor over and over about allowing his dog to shit in his yard.  What was poor Jack to do.

So until next time, fellow fearneters…a fair thee well…and please…if you just take one bit of advice from this blog…remember…always curb your dog!  Later…and “piece” out!