A few weeks ago, we got a press release announcing a casting call for Sam Raimi?s new horror-themed reality TV show 13 in our home town of Philadelphia, and we posted a news story (here) about it for all of you reality TV hopefuls out there. But no sooner did we post this story then we concocted a half-brilliant plan and decided to try out for the show ourselves! So FEARnet Production Artist Adrian Brattelli and I thought, ?Who better to grace the CW?s latest show and give some VH1 Rock of Love rejects a little genre schoolin??!? We set out on our quest to become TV (saps) stars, and to lose all self-respect and shame our selves, families, friends, dogs, the entire FEARnet staff, and the greater Philadelphia metropolitan area with unnecessary acts of random violence, extreme sarcasm and of course irresistible charm.

[NOTE: Apparently, the FEARjet is not equipped to land atop the Marathon Grill?s Mar Bar restaurant in the University City section of Philadelphia. We?re still working out the kinks on the jet?s stealth capabilities, and recruiting our FEARninja entourage. So we had to take a cab.]

Our task was to land a gig on a reality TV show to win the coveted (and cliché) $66,666 prize dollars, but I?m scooping the application below for all you curious hopefuls?

By the way?judging by this application, it appears that the show will have a paranormal slant. Originally we believed the show would land contestants in a place like Crystal Lake or the blood-soaked town of Haddonfield to see how they would deal with machete- or sledgehammer-wielding villains. Instead, it appears that contestants will be dealing with the supernatural, since the applications ask questions like:

Do you believe in ghosts, the supernatural or aliens? Have you ever had a paranormal experience? If so, tell us what happened!

The oddest part was, when it was my turn to talk to the casting agent, this overwhelming faux excitement took over me. At first I thought, ?Am I really excited to audition for a trashy reality TV show?? But then I realized, ?This must be how all of those crazy girls on Flavor of Love feel when they audition?? They must go into the process as pretty intelligent girls, some college-educated like myself, just looking to win some exposure (not like myself) but doing so blindly, since most end up looking like the world?s hottest douche-bags. Then, out of nowhere, the Darwinist in them takes over and they begin to experience this self-induced brainwashing where they must worship all things gold-toothed and clock-swinging in order to win. It?s a true modern-day, reality-TV survival of the fittest.

At that point I realized the plight of these contestants, and experienced my own self-induced brainwash, which had me pledging allegiance to all things Raimi and the paranormal, just to prove I was worthy of one of those measly contestant spots.

I automatically readjusted my attitude to fit with my new competition-driven strategy, and during the interviews talked more about the paranormal than I ever expected to! It was against all my morals (the few that still remain) to paint myself as a Raim-aniac and paranormal expert, but like those other reality-TV fools, I was there for one reason only: to win a spot on a show! (And maybe get a few extra bucks to help pay off some student loans.

So what if Sam Raimi really isn?t my favorite director of all time? So what if I don?t think Evil Dead is the most brilliant contribution to horror cinematography? What do those casting agents know anyway? They may not have even seen Evil Dead! It?s believable enough to lie about it, right? They see crazier people everyday! I found myself really overstating my excitement for the Spider-Man films too, and of course FEARnet?s original Raimi-produced series, like Devil's Trade and Buried Alive (shameless plug city!). And just before I got faux-excited about Raimi?s latest and worst, Spiderman 3, I snapped out of it and bitch-slapped myself, taking a deep breath and vowing to never, ever try out for a reality TV show again. It just does really, really bad things to good (good relative to Charles Manson) people. As of now, two weeks after our auditions neither Adrian nor myself has heard a thing, and it?s been rumored that Philadelphia try-outs have already been called back?a terrible mistake on the CW?s part, we know. Their ratings will plummet without us.

For more on 13 check out the CW website, and be sure to check back on FEARnet!

written by Gabrielle DiPietro