With the 2008 Olympics underway in Beijing, we at FEARnet would like to draw attention to a long untapped athletic resource that would be a sure bet in bringing home the gold in 2012. Whether these fierce competitors have been overlooked due to discrimination, intimidation or merely the inability to think outside the norm ? The time has come to set aside the petty differences standing in the way of progress? The time has come for a new breed of athlete. FEARnet proudly presents some preliminary 2012 Olympic Hopefuls of Horror?

By Eddie Nickerson

For AQUATICS, we?re going to have to go with the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Yes, we know the original Gill Man was slow on land and sluggish in the water, but that was 1955 ? life in general was slower back then. We?re holding out hope that in the 2009 remake, the Creature from the Black Lagoon moves like a freakin? torpedo.

In the event of ARCHERY, it has to be Saw-Tooth from the movie Wrong Turn. Sure, his family tree has no branches and he enjoys the taste of human flesh, but this inbred cannibal knows how to sling an arrow. With a beautiful grouping in the back of one fleeing victim and a miracle shot through the eye of another, Saw-Tooth is our golden-boy when it comes to the art of archery!

Okay, bear with me on this one. I know it?s a stretch? For BASEBALL, I suggest the dead White Sox players from Field of Dreams. Yeah, I know the movie isn?t even close to ?horror? but they are ghosts. And, if I ever walked out and found ghosts doing anything in my yard, I would pee in my pants.

BASKETBALL?S new Olympic dream team will consist of Pumpkinhead, Rawhead Rex, Jason Voorhees, Leatherface and the Creeper from Jeepers Creepers. There?s no way we can lose with such a big and relentlessly aggressive team? And, the Creeper has wings! He?ll be able to slam-dunk over anyone. Besides, opponents will have a hard time keeping their heads in the game (literally) if they?re worried about being eaten, hacked into small pieces or skinned alive.

When it comes to BOXING, we?re relying on the one-punch knockout power of Sheriff Eben Oleson from 30 Days of Night. After an impressive victory over the undisputed undead heavyweight champ, Marlow, Eban seems bound for Olympic glory. Eban doesn?t just knock his opponents out, he knocks the back of their heads clean off!

For all EQUESTRIAN events, we pick the one and only Headless Hessian Horseman from Sleepy Hollow. Heady and his devil horse are a horseshoe-in for gold in the steeplechase? Unless, that steeple happens to be attached to a church? In which case, they can?t go anywhere near it. And, there?s the small matter of where to hang the gold medal when the Headless Horseman wins it? Oh, well, we?ll figure it out by 2012.

Who better to have for FENCING than an evil swashbuckling pirate? With a giant crab claw for a left hand and a face only a mother octopus could love, Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man?s Chest, has what it takes to bring home the gold. He has the heart of a champion? He just happens to keep it in a box.

GYMNASTICS are all about the connection between strength and beauty. Our next Olympian has an abundant supply of both. She is the beautiful but deadly, Pris from Blade Runner. This smokin? hot replicant can perform an amazing floor routine while, at the same time, beating you within inches of your life? But, man, what a way to go.

For HANDBALL, Freddy Krueger just fits like a glove. After years of slashing and hacking dozens of teenagers, Freddy?s right arm must be twice as developed as his left. He probably has a hellishly wicked serve and during the volleys, there?s always the hazard of getting in the way of his swing. Also, Freddy will probably see to it that his opponents don?t sleep well the night before the match.

One stand out so far in TRACK AND FIELD is Lucious from Underworld. Lucious passed the trials with flying colors when he chased down our speeding car and ran up onto its roof. And, he did that on two legs? Think about what he?ll be capable of in London when he transforms into a werewolf and gets all four running.

That?s the list so far. We?ll be continuing to hold tryouts and take suggestions for the next four years. Hopefully, the horror genre will be strongly represented at the 2012 Olympics in London when we all gather
to support the Red, White and Boo!