Ahhhh, the driver’s license: that proverbial grail of any teen approaching the golden age of… well, you know, whatever age it might be to drive in the state where you live.  For most, the car represents a sense of freedom that a bike or a unicycle just can’t touch.  But for horror movie aficionados, the car represents something else: certain death.  Yes, the automobile has been a longtime ally of the serial killer, and of the horror movie in general.  Take the backseat – it’s the perfect arena for cheap holy-shit-the-killer-just-popped-up-in-the-back-seat scares (but, curiously enough, not so good for holy-shit-the-killer-just-popped-up-in-the-front-seat scares).  And the indifference of passing motorists is perfect for giving the story’s resident psychopath one last chance to spill some blood, as the drivers pass by the screaming hero standing at the side of the road. Of course, teens parking in secluded, wooded areas to make out and deranged, masked maniacs lurking nearby are a match made in heaven.  Gee, all that kind of makes driving in Jersey sound relaxing…  Anyway, in honor of FEARnet’s newest VOD original, Streets of Fear, we present to you our rule book for getting your horror movie driving privileges.  Ladies and Skeletons, start your engines…

A Driver’s First Priority Is the Road

The first rule and last rule (and maybe there’s a rule for it somewhere in the middle) of driving is “Always pay attention to the road.”  Anyone who’s read the novel or seen Tom Holland’s film adaptation of STEPHEN KING’S THINNER knows that this rule is critical if you’re to avoid hitting a gypsy and becoming subsequently hexed by said gypsy’s family, and even more subsequently learn that said hex will make you waste away to, literally, a more skeletal version of your previous self.  Trust me, you don’t want to end up looking like Calista “If Hittin’ Gypsies Is Wrong, I Don’t Want To Be Right” Flockhart.  Cause Ally McBeal needs an Ally McMeal…   

Asserting the Correct/Incorrect Use of High Beams

We’ve all been there: driving down a one-lane road behind some Buick LeSabre traveling at about twelve miles per hour, packing more nursing home residents than a VW Bug at Barnum and Bailey’s can clowns.  Throw in a right turn signal that’s been blinking for the last sixteen miles to put the cherry on top.  Bet you’re thinking about flashing the high beams, aren’t ya?  Well hold on, feller, you might want to hit the local video store first, and consult URBAN LEGEND on whether or not that’s a good idea.  You see, anyone who caught this flick at the height of the Scream/I Know What You Did Last Summer craze probably remembers what flashing high beams at a car without its headlights on got Alicia Witt’s Natalie: run off the road by a murdering psychopath.  But in teaching his lesson on correct high-beam usage the killer made one fatal mistake – he should’ve finished the job.  Oh well, let’s not discredit the guy.  After all, he did find the time to off Tara Reid AND Joshua Jackson in the course of the previous ninety minutes (which I think we all know is the Daily Double of Filmic Serial Murdering).

Rules Regarding Obstructions of the Windshield

Things that might get in the way of the driver’s vision are strictly prohibited from decorating your automobile.  Air fresheners hanging from the rear view, window decals, and distracting dashboard novelties are all qualifying doohickies – or if you’re Mena Suvari in STUCK, the latest from Re-Animator director Stuart Gordon, then you’ll know this regulation is referencing the live human being jammed halfway through your windshield.  I mean c’mon…any good movie murderer caught in the act of vehicular homicide knows to leave the body behind!

Keep Hands, Feet, Other Appendages Inside of Moving Vehicle

Umm…did you see that head-on collision in DEATH PROOF?  Well, if not, let’s just say this: by the end of it, there’s a decapitated leg, a head missing its better half by way of spinning car tire, and some poor broad with a face full of glass.  Yeah, guess how all that happened – because people were dangling their footsies and faces outside of the car.  And if that’s not enough, check out the second half of the film, in which Zoe Bell tries playing “Ship’s Mast” on the hood of a moving car while fellow motorist and certified sociopath Stuntman Mike tries bumping her off into the clutches of certain death.  The lesson to be learned here?  If you’re a beautiful woman hanging out in bar and you see Kurt Russell – TAKE THE NEXT TURN POSSIBLE!!

No Passing on Double Line

If you’re wondering how takin’ the short cut ‘round that slow-moving John Deere tractor crawling down the open country road is gonna pan out for you, then you might consider watching Steven Spielberg’s 1971 made-for-television debut DUEL.  Suffice it to say that patience is a virtue – especially when having just the slightest might help you to avoid being stalked by a deranged, murderous trucker for a cool ninety minutes.

Properly Maneuvering Winding Roads

Yes, the development of power steering and anti-lock brakes certainly has made handling the sharpest curves on the road a much easier task.  However the amenities of the modern automobile don’t do much good when you’ve been kidnapped by a network of evil, microfilm-stealin’ conspirators who’ve fed you the better liter of a bottle of Johnny Walker and sent you in neutral downhill a road that makes driving Yoshi’s Canyon on Mario Kart look like pulling into a handicapped spot at the local Target.  If Cary Grant taught us anything in Hitchcock’s NORTH BY NORTHWEST, it’s that a few lucky unconscious twists of the body will save you a plummet from cliff’s edge.  But you know what?  You might not want to risk it.

Upon Motorist Breakdown, Stay Inside the Vehicle

This is the first rule of horror movies that no one in horror movies ever thinks to obey: when your car breaks down on a scary road, there’s probably something even scarier than the street’s façade waiting for you outside.  Seems simple, but apparently it rivals quantum physics for Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale in VACANCY.  They leave their car and nearly end up in a snuff film.  Or how about Emily Blunt and Ashton Holmes in WIND CHILL?  At least Luke and Kate had room service and central heating, these two end up on the side of a snowy road getting the shit scared out of them by an onslaught of incontinence-inducing spirits.  Yes, the examples go on forever – so just trust us and lock those doors ‘til daylight comes when your transmission falls out on the side of Hell Hollow Road.

Correct Use of Rear View and Flank Mirrors

Who can forget that iconic scene from JURASSIC PARK that showed millions of frightened people everywhere just how much closer objects in the mirror are than they appear?  So with that in mind, let’s just say that when your car is being run down by a 40-foot-long, 7-ton prehistoric beast you can quit fiddlin’ with the mirrors and just stick to DRIVING AS FAST AS FRIGGIN’ POSSIBLE!!

Always Yield To Chainsaw Wielding Maniacs

If you’ve seen TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE then you’ll recall the final scare, where Leatherface pops out into the middle of the road just as the survivor of the whole ordeal takes off in a hi-jacked truck.  You’ll also recall that the driver didn’t go for the vehicular homicide, which is a textbook example of wonderful horror-flick driving skills.  If you hit the killer with your car at the end of the movie, how is there going to be a sequel?  Duh!  Sometimes all it takes to be a great driver is a little twist of logic with a dash of reasoning (and a heap of trading-in-your-filmic-credibility-for-a-sequel-box-office-take). 

Correct Use of the HOV Lane

The HOV lane is reserved for vehicles carrying two or more passengers – so make sure to keep this in mind when you and your fellow serial killers are headed down the interstate highway on a cross-country killing spree.  For example: THE DEVIL’S REJECTS decided to help save the environment and carpool, now they are permitted to indulge themselves in the splendors of the HOV lane.  I guess there’s only one real question left to ask: “Do dead bodies count as passengers?”

Reckless Drivers Will Be Prosecuted To Full Extent of the Law

…Unless they are doing so during a zombie apocalypse – in which case there will be no law enforcement officials left to prosecute the offender.  The team of survivors trying to plow their way through roving gangs of the undead in DAWN OF THE DEAD?  They play by the rules.  You and your friends driving on people’s front lawns, knocking over mailboxes with a baseball bat?  Ticket-worthy.

Avoid Engaging In Lewd Acts While Driving

Not to call attention to anyone, but there is a certain severed head and a certain madman who engage in a certain sexual act in a film that may or may not be called HIGH TENSION… and that is totally illegal!  Why?  Because serial killers in the middle of a murdering spree should concentrate on the task at hand!  Treating yourself to a bee-jay from your victim’s severed head is bush league.  Look at the aforementioned killer – he’s running around sluttin’ it up with decapitees.  And I think we all know what happened there. That dude got thwarted.

Road Rage Prevention/Resolution

There’s so many therapeutic measures that could be taken to make sure you don’t have a freak-out on the road – so how about one that’ll make sure your car doesn’t have a freak-out on the road?  Okay, don’t buy a 1958 Plymouth Fury possessed by the devil.  What do you mean “That’s it?”?!  That’s good advice!  If Arnie Cunningham had listened to me, a lot less people would’ve died during the course of CHRISTINE and it would’ve become a romantic comedy for the ages.  Leave it to a girl to turn romance into a horror film…

Motorists Should Never Leave Automobile Unattended

Umm… did you see WOLF CREEK?  Or Deliverance?  Or The Ruins?  Or any movie where a bunch of attractive young people with bright futures travel to a Podunk town where each and every resident is a homicidal maniac?!  When you see someone living in the foothills of East Bumblefuck eyeing you up like they’re about to steal your car and then kill you, don’t think you’re being ignorant – they’re probably really going to kill you.  Care for that car like it’s gonna save your life, because – unless you’ve found yourself in a sub-aquatic survival horror adventure – it is.

Etiquette for Transporting Hitchhikers

I think we all know that the first way to get murdered and have your body dumped at the first Exxon Mobile on the road to Crazy-ville is to pick up a hitchhiker.  And if you are gonna pick one, for God’s sake make sure it’s not those nutty vagabonds Rutger Hauer and Sean Bean from the 1986 classic and 2007 update of THE HITCHER.  I know they’re handsome, but they’re just gonna murder a lot of people and frame you with the bodies.  So use your damn common sense, C. Thomas Howell!

Guidelines for the Transportation and Disposal of Hazardous Materials, Mind Controlling Terrestrial Pods, and the Like

Don Siegel’s 1956 cult classic INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS was not just a bunch of conspiracy-theorist hoopla saturated with Cold War paranoia – it was a visual guide illustrating what one should do when the aliens come to town.  Throwing away batteries in the appropriated area and recycling are one thing, but when it comes to blowing up a truck load of sentient pods responsible for enslaving the human race? Don’t worry about doing it in the government-sanctioned area – just do it!!

Guidelines for Obtaining a Commercial Driver’s License

Protector of the innocent.  Defender of the just.  Transporter of the school children.  Yes, the almighty title of bus driver is one great honor.  If you’d like to become one, however, I would not suggest taking the advice of one Frederick Kruger.  What you need to drive a bus is a commercial driver’s license.  You can’t just go hi-jackin’ big yellows in kids’ dreams like Freddy in NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2.  Although come to think of it, Freddy’s lack of proper credentials for driving a commercial vehicle is probably the least of worries that those kids trapped on the bus from hell are burdened with right now…

Make Sure All Locking Mechanisms Are in Working Order

Okay, so you’re inside of a locked car, seemingly safe from the killer that’s been stalking you for about… eh, a movie and a half at this point…and you’re thinking you’re safe.  Well guess what, hot shot?  You’re not!  That’s right, because if you find yourself in this exact situation, there’s a 99.2 percent possibility that you’re Sidney Prescott in SCREAM 2.  And guess what else?  The killer outside has the key to the car...  Time to start playing whack-a-mole with those manual locks!  Should’ve upgraded to power locks, Ms. Prescott…

Operators of R.V.’s and Mobile Homes Should Stick to Designated Camping Areas

Whoa there, Ma and Pa America, don’t get too far off the beaten track – because just beyond that wilderness retreat of your dreams is a former nuclear testing facility, in which a bunch of rabid mutants are waiting to steal your babies and eat your family.  Don’t believe us?  Check out Alexandre Aja’s 2006 remake of THE HILLS HAVE EYES (sorry but Wes Craven’s 1977 original falls under the rule about never leaving your car unattended).

Driving in Extreme Weather Conditions

When conditions get too harsh to drive… risk it!!  If IDENTITY taught us anything (besides how to accrue the most random cast of character actors ever), it’s that, when bad weather hits, you’re more than likely going to end up at a motel where an escaped killer is on the loose or, as the situation may play out, a figment of character actor Pruitt Taylor Vince’s imagination.

Fear and Respect M. Night Shyamalan When (and Only When) He’s Behind the Wheel

Aside from learning that all aliens are allergic to water (as lame an allergy as ever was), the one lesson we all took home from SIGNS is…Stay the eff off the road when M. Night Shyamalan is out on the town.  Yeah sure, M. Night’s Ray Reddy claims to have fallen asleep at the wheel when he mauled Mel Gibson’s wife with his SUV, but we at FEARnet know the truth: M. Night may have just had a little too much of grandpa’s old cough medicine after seeing a premonition of reviews for The Happening.

Don’t Ever Park and Make Out!

Seriously people, when has this ever panned out for two young lovers smack dab in the middle of a horror movie?!  When stuff starts gettin’ freaky, don’t take that special lady down to Open Mouth Kissing Point.  Put the pedal to the metal and get the hell out of Dodge!!

Well, we hope you learned how to avoid autocide should you find yourself in the middle of a real, live horror movie.  You may now officially consider yourself a fully licensed horror movie wheel man (or woman).  To further polish your skills don't forget to check out Streets of Fear - only on FEARnet.