Not sure how to show your affection this Valentine’s Day?  While some might find kidnapping or cannibalism psychotic, we prefer to use the term… “passionate.”   Show your Valentine that you really care by taking a cue from the most romantic of horror classics. 

'An American Werewolf in London'
Okay, so you didn’t expect your summer abroad to include a werewolf attack and the bereavement of your best friend, and you really didn’t think you’d meet the love of your life in the hospital after said attack.  But since it’s all happened, the sweetest thing you can do for your Valentine is to just kill yourself.  Alright, fine, first show her what a beast you are in bed, but then, get it over with.  A relationship can’t last if you’re a threat to her neighbors, and excessive body hair’s sort of a turnoff.

'Misery'
Annie Wilkes puts us to shame.  Yeah, we get giddy over Del Toro and weak in the knees when we interview Joss Whedon, but Annie’s devotion to writer Paul Sheldon enables her to weaken his knees.  Sadly, her affection isn’t reciprocated, but like all good #1 fans, Annie realizes this just means they’ll have to be together in death.  We’re not recommending that you stalk your hero this Valentine season, but if you happen to see his car slide off the road in the midst of a snowstorm, then… well…  follow your heart. 

'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'
Valentine’s Day isn’t all about romance—it’s also a time to show your family members how much you care.  This February 14th, work with your siblings to plan the perfect meal for Grandpa.  If his idea of a good time is to crack open the entrée’s skull himself, let him have a go at it.  He’ll be touched by your dedication to his happiness, and it’ll make the meal that much more delish.  

'Pet Sematary'
If your pet Schnookems happens to be flattened by an 18-wheeler this V-Day, and you—lucky you—happen to live next door to an ancient burial ground, follow in Louis Creed‘s footsteps and bring Schnookems back to life.  Yeah, he might return as a deranged cat monster, but it’ll all be worth it when you see that precious smile on your daughter’s face.  Trust us—resurrection is way sweeter than a box of chocolates. 

'Rosemary’s Baby'
Some might argue that drugging and letting the Devil rape your wife before a coven of witches in the basement of your apartment building isn’t romantic, but please, consider the perks:  Ritualistic sex while Ruth Gordon dances naked above you (hot), self-advancement to the extreme (screw acting lessons), AND the opportunity to say “I knew the Antichrist when.”  She might feel violated at first, but some day, your wife will thank you.

'The Shining'
Snowed in this Valentine’s Day?  Just because you can’t go to a restaurant or get to the store to buy Hallmark cards doesn’t mean you shouldn’t celebrate!   Just be sure to sabotage all modes of communication with the outside world, and then let the loving begin!  Your wife might think you’re suffering from cabin fever and resist your passionate outbursts, but if she acts up, simply correct her. 

'The Omen'
We all know that the most beloved gift you can give a woman is a child.  If, tragically, you’re told your child is a stillborn, the best solution—especially if it’s Valentine’s Day—is to accept a random baby and make your wife believe it’s her own!  Really, don’t tell her the truth.  She’ll come to realize it on her own when she’s in the hospital, because the changeling has run her off a balcony in his tricycle.  And then she’ll be in a better state of mind to accept it.

'Psycho'
Everyone agrees, imitation is the highest form of flattery.  This Valentine’s Day, why don’t you show the world what a good son you are by imitating your mother?  That cute blonde you have your eye on will really admire your devotion to family, and she’ll love that she can chat with you about women’s clothes.  Just beware—your mom might try to interfere in your relationship, as she does want the best for her son.  

'The Amityville Horror'
One of the most romantic gifts you can give your Valentine is her dream house.  Yeah, it was cheap because its previous owner murdered himself and his whole family, but c’mon—houses don’t have memories!  When the walls start to ooze, just hire a plumber to get the job done!  And when there’s an insect problem, just hire an exterminator, and when there’s a—okay, maybe you should just try hiring an exorcist.  Or, y’know, move out.

'Hostel'
Something a lot of folks don’t realize is that you can’t love another until you love yourself.  That’s why we urge you to give in to your guilty pleasures this holiday season.  Eat chocolate, take a hot bath—pamper yourself.  If your guilty pleasures include ripping young, naïve travelers apart limb by limb, indulge.  This is your holiday, after all!  Go crazy!Whatever you do to show your affection this Valentine’s Day, be sure to make it a holiday to remember.  Still uncertain?  A tried-and-true way to send shivers up your Valentine’s spine is to prepare her liver with a side of lima beans and a nice chianti.  Simply delectable.