Now don't get us wrong: We here at FEARnet dutifully respect the Oscars, but even when movies about cattle-gun-wielding serial killers are winning Best Picture, we find the award ceremony to be a little bit… boring.  That got us thinking-- what if we had the power to turn The Biggest Movie Event of the Year into the Bloodiest?  It would probably go a little something like this…

THE (BLOOD) RED CARPET

Welcome to FEARnet's 81st Academy Awards!  We're here on the red carpet and the stars are out!  And if you tune into the FEARscars annually, you know that one thing that makes this award show different from all others is that instead of donning Valentino gowns, the actors opt to dress like the horror icons they portray onscreen!  Checking out the glam cam now, it looks like Linda Blair is donning slippers… a nightgown… and a lovely shade of split pea soup!  That's a definite for our Best Dressed list.

THE HOST

Inside the theater, the show is just getting started.  The curtain is rising to reveal… WOLVERINE!  Yes, Hugh Jackman's looking fine in his iconic sideburns and razor-sharp claws.  And part of his opening speech involves a chain-breaking demonstration to exhibit his superhuman strength—why do I get the feeling this is a tie-in for the highly-anticipated X-Men Origins: Wolverine?

HOTTEST VICTIM

Christian Bale takes the stage in a blood-covered rain coat, a la his role as Patrick Bateman in 2000's American Psycho!  Before presenting the award (and his phone number) to yummy Odette Yustman for her turn as Beth McIntyre in Cloverfield, he begins a charming little joke in character about how he thinks his mask of sanity is about to slip.  Suddenly, he pauses, eyeing an audience member in the back of the auditorium who's heading towards an exit.  "Why the F*** are you walking through?!"  The guy freezes, apologizes, and attempts to explain that he was going to the bathroom.  "No, don't just be sorry—Think for one f***ing second!  I'm gonna f**ing kick you in your f***ing a**!" The orchestra tries to interrupt the tirade, but to no avail.  Cut to commercial.

BEST HAND-CAM ACTION

And we're back with the award for Best Hand-Cam Action!  And the nominees are… Diary of the Dead, Cloverfield, Quarantine, Baghead, and Home Movie.  A montage of clips for each nominated film plays before the winner is announced as... Quarantine! Jennifer Carpenter and Steve Harris take the stage to accept, and Harris boasts that because his character's a professional cameraman—and not just a teenager wielding a camera phone—his flick was more tolerable than the others to watch.  A theater full of green, drawn faces and the undeniable stench of vomit makes it difficult to agree.

BEST KILLER

This is it, folks—one of the most important moments of the night--when the world learns who will take a place amongst the greatest serial killers of all time!  And the nominees are... The Joker (The Dark Knight), Mahogany (The Midnight Meat Train), Masked Killers (The Strangers), La Femme (Inside), Nature (The Happening).

And the Oscar goes to…  Nature!

NATURE?!  The crowd is outraged! M. Night Shyamalan—with plant in hand and smirk on face—stands to accept the award, but a glance at the incensed audience sends him fleeing towards the exit.  The audience, which includes figures like Robert Englund dressed as Freddy Krueger and Sissy Spacek covered in pig's blood, charges the stage, and it's up to M.C. Wolverine to stop the onslaught!  There's only one thing that can be done to appease a mob such as this—present the Oscar for 2008's Best Kill!

BEST KILL

The crowd settles down momentarily—each audience member just a bit curious to see who will win the bloody crème de la crème of horror film awards.  And the nominees are…

Angela Carson's Reflection Destroys Her Jaw, Mirrors

Guy Runs Over Himself with Lawnmower, The Happening

Parasite Bites Marlena and Her Head Subsequently Explodes, Cloverfield

Stepbrother's Member Bitten Off by Sister's Vagina, Teeth

Seth Baxter Sliced in Half by Pendulum Blade AFTER Crushing Own Hands, Saw V

"And the Oscar goes to… "

Wolverine, who's handing this one out himself, pauses for dramatic effect.  You can cut the tension with a knife.

"Seth Baxter Sliced in Half by Pendulum Blade AFTER Crushing Own Hands!"  Yep, an inescapable pendulum trap is pretty ruthless, even by Saw standards.  This seems to satisfy the audience's bloodlust—at least for the time being.  But who's to say where the night will take them once the actors arrive at the most decadent horror gala of the year, the FEARnet Oscar Party?!

Tragically, the FEARnet staff does not possess the power to take over the Oscars and do the awards show right. But we are curious to know who you would choose for Hottest Victim, Best Hand-Cam Action, Best Killer, and Best Kill of 2008!  Comment below with your FEARscar picks, try to enjoy the actual Academy Awards, and please, pray for a better tomorrow.  You know we will.