by Giaco Furino
Here at FEARnet we understand how tiring it can be running from psychotic killers and monsters all day long. Who wants to have to run down a dusty Texas road, being chased by a chubby, yet aptly quick, madman with a chainsaw? Or run from the Queen Alien as she slips and slides her slimy body all over the deck of the Nostromo? We think it’s time you caught your breath, and that’s why we’re bringing you the list of the top 10 slowest monsters in horror movie history! But just because these baddies can’t run the 100 meter don’t think that they’re a threatless wonder! We’ve ranked them from least to most threatening so you don’t have to!
10. Creature from the Black Lagoon
The Creature From the Black Lagoon, or Gill-Man (as he prefers to be called), clocks in at our number ten spot. He’s not only one of the slowest creatures this side of the Amazon, but let’s face it, he’s no huge danger. He was bested by an ichthyologist (that’s a fish scientist to you and me) using 1950’s weaponry! Sure ol’ Gills got in a few good maulings, but he wasn’t moving any quicker than a soggy plod unless he was underwater. Even fish-breath’s swim wasn’t very fast, I mean, you’d think a guy with gills and fins would be able to perform a better underwater maneuver than his patented “flail”.
Avg. Speed: 15 mph (in water)/1.5 mph (on land)
Threat Level: Minimal. With today’s weaponry and sonar, we’d have him discovered and swimming in an oversized aquarium long before he ever sank a claw into one of us!
9. The Frankenstein Monster
Tenderfoot he is not! Frank’s got a clomp to his step and comes in at our number nine spot. This trudging terror is little more than an amalgam of “used” body parts, so there’s no reason that he should have any pep in his step. Just imagine, you go to run after a victim, when all of sudden you realize your right leg isn’t quite synched up with your left! And the stitching holding them together is coming loose! That, my friends, does not spell speed to me. Now, why does one of horror’s most famous monsters only come in at number 9 in our most threatening list? Because aside from carrying screaming virgins away from angry villagers, the Monster’s arsenal of moves seems a bit limited. Sure, he can toss little girls into lakes, but if you’re a giant, ungodly monster, and you let a group of (most likely) starving villagers tie you up to a pole…you’ve got problems.
Avg. Speed: 3 mph (and that’s at full trod!)
Threat Level: Low. Everyone’s got weaknesses, but if you want to mess with the big boys, you’ve got to learn to deal with fire.
8. The Blob
Ah, The Blob! What a fine, slow-moving monstrous mass! A gift from space, a terror upon the earth! The Blob crawled, inch by inch, into our horror loving hearts. The Blob crashed onto the earth from a meteor in 1958, and came armed with nothing more than charm, slime, and downhill momentum. It didn’t even have any way to communicate (which is a good thing, because it would be a lot less intimidating if one were to actually hear it say “Hold on a moment, just let me crawl onto your hand. Yes, very nice, now if you could just stay perfectly still for a day…”). Now why is a giant mass of goop that can dissolve human bodies so low on our threat radar? Because this mess looks like a dollop of strawberry jam! And besides, you’d need to be severely absent minded to not notice a giant blob shimmying toward you. For more info on how to evade this jiggling mass of terror, watch The Blob for free On Demand all this month!
Avg. Speed: 1 mph. Slugs have outrun this guy.
Threat Level: Moderate. If it gets big enough, it won’t matter how slowly it glops along.
7. The Mummy
Maybe his bandages are wrapped too tight, or maybe his rotting flesh just can’t keep it together, but The Mummy ranks in at number seven on our top 10 slowest monsters count down. The Mummy strikes fear in the hearts of archeologists everywhere, and with a tortured groan, scarabs, and a curse or two, this guy can really do some damage. Sure, he was bested by Brendan Frasier (Twice! Anyone up for a third this summer?), but the dude’s got style. The question is, how terrifying is a guy that can’t run faster than a shuffle for fear of tripping on his own bandages? And why does he even bother with the bandages once he’s risen and ready to destroy? Modesty? If the Mummy’s greatest weakness is fear of showing off his pickled body, then maybe we should have put him up at spot number 10. Come on, Mum, dare to be bare and murder your victims like a true rotting corpse king would!
Avg. Speed: 3 mph. Not too shabby considering that he’s held together by gauze.
Threat Level: Moderate. He may not be able to chase you, but make him mad enough and he’ll cover you in boils. Trust us!
6. Sarlacc from Star Wars
You may not remember the Sarlacc, but we certainly do. He’s terrified our dreams since we first saw Return of the Jedi so many years ago. This was the gaping mouth monster that would supposedly slowly digest someone over 1000 years! 1000 years!? Really? Talk about a slow metabolism! Sure the thought of being kept alive for a 1000 years while being digested is terrifying, but this guy’s not hard to get away from. In fact, the only way to really get eaten by him is to fall into his open mouth. Some Star Wars scholars (yes, scholars, tease all you like, but we went to Star Wars University!) even claim that the Sarlacc is actually rooted into the ground! This means that the Sarlacc is so slow that it can’t even move! It’s our one and only completely stationary monster, earning it a special place on our countdown. Remember, all you have to do is avoid giant monster holes while in the desert, and you should be fine.
Avg. Speed: 0 mph. He’s no good in a foot race, seeing as he’s sans-feet!
Threat Level: Moderate. Not too dangerous if you’re twelve feet or further away, but once you get in that danger zone…watch out!
The king of all monsters! Godzilla! Here’s one slow baddie that will wreck your town if he has the notion to! Far surpassing King Kong’s weak record of destruction and mayhem, Godzilla has appeared in 28 films to date, and will most likely continue for years to come. He’s crushed buildings, killed millions, and -- strangely enough -- saved the earth’s ass many a time. If left to his own devices, your hot new apartment in South Tokyo is doomed, but, if a giant moth monster attacks the city, call him up for a helping hand. Leave it to the Japanese to make a courteous super monster. This amazing specimen boasts more than just an impressive 164 ft. stature, this guy also comes fully equipped to ruin your day. Godzilla can blast a city or a single target with his atomic ray breath, can heal major wounds with his regeneration, and can devastate an area with his nuclear pulse. Almost nothing, save for power lines and terrible American adaptations, can hold this behemoth at bay! That’s why we’ve named him number five on our slowest monsters list!
Avg Speed: 25 mph. His steps may be slow, but keep in mind how many city blocks each step can cover! It’s distance, not speed here folks!
Threat Level: High. Now we’re dealing with the big boys, it would take at least another super powered monster to really take him down for the count…and who wants to invite another one of those into the mix?
4. The Fog
When we talk slow moving menaces, we’ve got to talk The Fog. Along par with Stephen King’s The Mist, this low flying cumulous may not spread too quickly, but hot damn it keeps some baddies inside it. The Fog takes a full night to cover a small fishing village, but this puff of glowing smoke does more than just steam your glasses and set the mood for a zombie flick. This fog is chock full vengeful pirate ghosts! That’s right! Hot on the heels of Antonio Bay’s centennial celebration, a strange fog rolls into town, full of the spirits of those who’s ship was purposefully wrecked one hundred years ago! Talk about holding a grudge, this wily wisp may only want six souls, but in a town as small as Antonio Bay, that’s asking a lot.
Avg Speed: 5 mph. Perhaps it could move faster with a proper wind behind it, or if it didn’t get distracted by Adrienne Barbeau.
Threat Level: High. Any fog that boasts being able to pocket the spirits of revenge-bound rotting pirates is terror enough for me.
Pinhead, Chatterer, Butterball, you know the names. These latexed and bloodied beasts from hell desire one thing, the complete union of pain and pleasure. Just…don’t expect them to walk any great distances to get it. These guys and gals of hell, The Cenobites, sport extreme fetish and S&M wear, from sickly piercings and ripped open flesh, to (most famously) pins throughout the head. Now, why are these masters of terror on this slow monster list? Think back, have you ever seen them move more than a few steps at a time? Mostly these guys just stand around shooting hooks and chains from the darkness. We can commiserate, though, seeing as the only “look” less comfortable than latex is that of “ripped open flesh”, and the cenobites sport both. While you’ll most certainly beat the living hell out of a cenobite in a foot race, he would have already ripped your flesh apart with his hooks. So…no contest.
Avg Speed: 1 mph. Imagine the chafing and shredding that would take place if they moved any faster.
Threat Level: Very High. If these guys decide they want to party with you, get ready for a long night.
2. Michael Myers/Jason
Our second place spot is a tie between two of the slowest, most nasty guys this side of Crystal Lake. Michael Myers and Jason Vorhees. These two are some of the slowest hulking terrors ever! Jason will follow a running teenager for miles, just trudging along. He’s got the confidence to never need to break into a jog, knowing that sooner or later that once-horny teen’s bound to trip and fall, and he’ll be there, machete and all. Michael Myers plays the creeping terror to his own unique style. He’s more of a “Look, I’m standing in front of you…oh wait, now I’m behind you” kind of guy. Think you’ve outrun him? Sorry, he somehow just appeared in the passenger seat of your car. We’re not sure how he does it, but he does it with patience and style. Both of these maniacal killers use their slow speed to illicit intense fear and dread, and nothing caps that dread off like being ripped in half or stabbed to death!
Avg. Speed: 3 mph. The average human walking speed. Because that’s all these guys can muster…a walk.
Threat Level: Extreme! Get away from them! Don’t think you can outrun them! Get away! What are you waiting for? Move it!
Now, if you want to talk slow, you know you’ve got to start talking zombies. These shambling undead made the number one spot on our list! And why shouldn’t they? A horror staple since the ‘60’s and before, these rotting corpses move as slow as in-humanely possible. And no, we’re not talking about “fast zombies” (we barely consider them zombies at all!), we mean the good, old fashioned, power in numbers zombies that haunted our dreams and filled our malls for years and years. These guys are deadly, monstrous, infectious, and most importantly: slow! How fast could you move if your flesh, cartilage and bones were all rotting away, or you were still in the grips of rigor mortis? Against one of these baddies alone, you could cartwheel your way to safety (and my, what a fancy way to escape!). Get these guys in big numbers, however, and you’re looking for trouble. With no real reasoning, no speed, and no attack beyond a bite, it’s truly a testament to the power and terror of the zombie that he remains one of the most feared and popular monsters in horror history.
Avg. Speed: 2 mph. Rotten kneecaps are the leading cause of slowness in zombie speed.
Threat Level: Severe. If these guys come winding down your pines, head for the hills, then for the rivers, then for the forests.
Remember, just because you can outrun a monster, doesn’t mean it won’t probably still murder you. So here’s to the zombie and all the other slow monsters out there! May you creep and crawl your ways into our hearts and fears once more and forever!
For more terror and intrigue, check out our break down of the 'Friday the 13th' films, and to see the terrible mistakes your favorite actors made, check out our account of the most famous faces in horror!