Let's face it, Santa's a creepy guy. He lives in a secluded place, he slides down chimneys in the middle of the night, and to top it all off, he invites your children to sit on his lap...at a mall! Looks like someone should make a list and check it twice on this big guy. Very naughty and not very nice... we give you our top 10 picks for the all-time scariest Santas.
10. Low - "Santa's Coming Over" Children with eyes that can steal your soul? Check. Haunting high-pitched lyrics? Check. Dirge-like drumming? Check. Santa's ceaseless tapping, wicked laughter, and inevitable home invasion? Check, check and check. Looks like no one can ruin Christmas quite like indie rockers Low, whose video doesn't even show Santa. This Kris Kringle is so scary, all we get to see is the terror in the eyes of the children he visits!
10. Low - "Santa's Coming Over"
Children with eyes that can steal your soul? Check. Haunting high-pitched lyrics? Check. Dirge-like drumming? Check. Santa's ceaseless tapping, wicked laughter, and inevitable home invasion? Check, check and check. Looks like no one can ruin Christmas quite like indie rockers Low, whose video doesn't even show Santa. This Kris Kringle is so scary, all we get to see is the terror in the eyes of the children he visits!
9. The Tick - "The Tick Loves Santa"
What happens when Santa is electrocuted after a stick-up operation gone array? The big guy and his electric Santa clones go on a crime spree of epic proportions! There's lots to fear about this Santa Claus: the rugged voice, the scorched "M" across his chest, and not least of all the ever growing hordes of his clones, bursting from a dam! Even after the not-so-saintly Nick has taken down all the crime fighters in the city, the Tick, in his childlike wonder, simply can't bring himself to hit Santa! Thank goodness for static electricity or bank-robbing Santa clones would rule the world.
8. Futurama - "A Tale of Two Santas"
What's cooler than future evil Robot Santa? Future evil Robot Santa with Bender on his arm, hell-bent on spreading yuletide terror. While all the citizens of Earth are preparing for a visit from the wrathful St. Nick, the Futurama crew is sent on a suicide mission to deliver children's letters to Santa's fortress. After a series of surprising turns, Robot Santa is frozen and Bender takes his place on the sleigh. But the citizens of Earth don't view this turn of events as a Christmas miracle and they arrest Bender for Robot Santa's former crimes. Luckily Robot Santa rescues Bender and together they set out on a holiday rampage. Also of note, this isn't Robot Santa's only adventure in carnage - he makes another appearance in the Futurama film Bender's Big Score, where he saves the day by forming "The Trinity" with Kwanzabot and the Hanukah Zombie! Sigh. Christmas in the future sure is great.
7. Trading Places
This might not be the most obvious of Christmas horror classics, but is there anything scarier than Dan Aykroyd dressed in a filthy Santa suit? Yes there is: watching Trading Places, and seeing Aykroyd shoving rolls of bread down his pants, getting smoked salmon stuck in his beard, and pulling a gun on Eddy Murphy, in a filthy Santa suit. I mean, the only way this could get any freakier is if we had to watch a dog pee on him before he contemplates shooting himself in the head...oh, wait...that actually happens too.
6. Bad Santa
Billy Bob Thornton is basically what we've always suspected a mall Santa to be. He kicks the crap out of a Nativity scene, has his way with shop girls in the dressing room, wets his pants, plans a robbery, squats in a chubby kid's house, and hangs with a midget with a serious attitude. And he does it with panache. Billy Bob Thornton's Santa may not be deadly, but he smells like sweat, rum, and bad dreams. Those are things you just don't want Santa to smell like.
5. Dr. Who - "The Christmas Invasion/ The Runaway Bride"
These mercenary robot Santas appear twice in the Whoniverse. The first time in Christmas band form, wielding yuletide-themed weaponry: including flame-throwing tubas, mortar-launching trombones and robotic, killer Christmas trees. Later they return, carrying guns and dressed vaguely like Death Eaters, as evil henchmen for the Empress of the Racnoss. Instead of bringing gifts, these Santas like to land on a planet just before it's invaded, loot the inhabitants and make off with the cookies before the real mayhem begins.
4. Tales From the Crypt - "And All Through the House"
Not to be confused with the 1980's Crypt episode written by Fred (Night of the Creeps) Dekker, this 1972 holiday "tale" stars Joan Collins, who plays a conniving wife who gets her Christmas wish...after she takes a fireplace poker to her husband's skull. But there's an escaped mental patient dressed as Santa, and he knows she's been naughty. He stalks poor Joan, he creeps up on her, he attacks her...he does all the things a Santa should never do! Wielding an axe and blabbering like a lunatic, this Kringle could get even the Crypt Keeper's bells jingling.
3. Santa's Slay
Neither gentle nor gentile, Santa's Slay is where Kris Kringle and professional wrestling meet. The plot may sound ludicrous (because, well, it is), but here's the deal: Santa's actually Satan's only son, who loses a bet and has to spread Christmas cheer for eternity. But it turns out that Santa's fed up, and now, evil and jacked, he's setting houses on fire, making out with "ho's," and kicking dogs into ceiling fans! I'm not sure which is more frightening: Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, and Bill Goldberg in one movie...or a Santa who's the only son of Satan. But, I do know that no one can slam a pile-driver quite like Mr. Claus.
2. Silent Night, Deadly Night
"If you see Santa Claus tonight you'd better run, boy! You'd better run for your life!" A classic of the Christmas season, this film stars a Santa who started out as a little boy scarred for life by the cryptic words of his catatonic grandfather. And it features one of the most infamous death scenes in all horror (not just holiday horror): an evil Santa breaks in on a pair of teens having sex, and impales a topless Linnea Quigley on a set of reindeer antlers. Forget the rest of these Santas, that's what a real scary Santa does! Silent Night, Deadly Night reminds us that a visit from Santa isn't always nice. In fact, it can be downright deadly.
1. Christmas Evil
Christmas Evil is a cautionary tale about what happens when you mix Santa Claus and sex. Just ask Harry Stadling, whose mom got a little too snug with the bearded man (and by snug, we mean he caught Santa rubbing his bearded face all over Mom's upper thigh). Now he's obsessed with making Santa Claus real, even if it involves the use of a hatchet. This Santa is the scariest, because he wants so badly to actually be Santa. To the point where he's taken to staring at children through binoculars on rooftops! Do something wrong, and he runs off chanting your name to keep it in his head, then adds it to an actual "Naughty and Nice" list he's keeping! John Waters deemed this the "greatest Christmas movie ever made." And we all know John Waters is never wrong.