For centuries humans have been fascinated with the "things that go bump in the night". The creepy-crawlies, the ghosts, the ghouls, the werewolves, the Artist Formerly Known As Prince... And as terrifying a possibility that these creatures of lore's hypothetical existence present, there's always a way to make sure - if they do indeed exist - that you can banish them back to whatever demonic portal they came out of. Defending yourself against zombies? Easy - everyone's got a chainsaw in their garage somewhere (and if not you can most likely borrow one from your neighbor). Aliens? Piece of cake. Especially if they're aliens of the M. Night variety - water is the most abundant resource on the planet. The one blood thirsty creature however you might not want to come face to face with is the Vampire - totally different story! So in celebration of the launch of FEARnet's original web series 30 Days of Night: Dust to Dust, we've got a little piece of literature that'll turn you from a chew toy to a Vamp-slaying bad ass of Blade status. Without further ado, we are proud to present: The Vampire Survival Guide.
PHASE 1: What kind of Vamps are we dealing with?
Home field advantage is everything. So in order to be one step ahead of your nocturnal nemeses, you'll need to evaluate what kind of vampire scenario you've got on your hands. Just feel out your company and then run it past our VTC (Vampire Threat Classification) Decoder below:
The Traditional Vampire Story: Every story has its origins. In this situation you'll probably find yourself in some stone castle, tucked away in a clandestine corner of Transylvania. Don't rely on getting help from the police or anybody else for that matter - that kind of nonsense is for city folk. Be resourceful - hide away in the nooks and crannies of that mansion. Then when the time is right, pop out and melt that King Vamp's face off! (Reference: Dracula or Nosferatu, as well as Castlevania if you're interested in sim training)
The Techno-Goth-Neo-Vamp Flick: Androgynous women. Blue strobe lights. A light dusting of fog on the floor. Here you're most likely to find your vamps hanging out all in one place - the discotech. But that's great news, right? Like shooting fish in a barrel! Not if you show up unprepared. Make sure you've procured the right amount of napalm or UV light bombs. Nothing's more awkward than running out of ammo at the vampire dance party you were planning to ambush. And there'll be nothing more dead than you when that happens either - these guys are the most vicious breed out there. (Reference: Blade or Underworld)
The Vampire Comedy: Just because they feed on the blood of the mortal doesn't mean they don't have a sense of humor. Sometimes to make it through a vampire apocalypse you may not need a weapon at all - just a wacky anecdote. Remember not to close your eyes though when indulging in your fit of laughter or you might become the punchline. (Reference: Once Bitten or Dracula: Dead and Loving It)
Vampires in the 80s: This is an unlikely scenario unless you've got a time machine (and if you do, why the hell aren't you fighting dinosaurs?!) but better safe than a hunk of human effluence. The only thing scarier than vampires from the '80s is the music of the era so you've gotta lay down the law. Unpack those old, neon pink spandex, slip back into that leather jacket, and get ready to slay some M.F.-ing vamps. '80s vamps tended to hang out in entire vampire towns so trust no one. Even Rick Springfield? Especially Rick Springfield. Okay, now that you're ridiculously dressed and listening to "colorful" music, these nightstalkers don't stand a chance! (Reference: Lost Boys or Salem's Lot - Salem's Lot was '79 but we think it's fair to assume that the Lot was ahead of its time.)
The Vampire Western: Gunslingers might have some trouble passin' through here - unless they've got bullets made of pure silver. With all the open space and decrepit buildings the wild, wild west has to offer, there's not much place to hide. So fashion yourself a stake and ride on, Cowboy! (Reference: From Dusk 'til Dawn, 30 Days of Night, or John Carpenter's Vampires)
The Anne Rice Vampire Tale: Lest we forget that vampires have feelings too, Lestat has always been around every not-so-chaotic turn of the vampire world as told by Anne Rice. Sometimes all a vampire needs is a shoulder to lean on (and maybe some "Everybody Hurts" by REM). Not all vampires are prone to murder and treachery, some are looking for love. But beware -- don't get tricked by one of these other vampires into making you think Anne Rice cooked them up, or when you go in for a hug you might be takin' a mandibular incisor to the neck. (Reference: Interview With a Vampire or Queen of the Damned)
The Faux-Vampire: Sometimes "normal" humans are just bat-shit crazy and think they're a vampire, in that case - we suggest intensive psychotherapy. (Reference: The Night Flier or Shadow of a Vampire)
PHASE 2: What are FEARnet sanctioned modes of vampiric defense?
Now that the vampiric apocalypse you've got on your plate has been classified, it's time to take the next step: what are you gonna use to kill 'em? There's so many different levels and options that within those various levels, things can get confusing for a newbie. Don't worry, FEARnet's got your back?
Homegrown: These are the basics. Not just old stand-bys that have dropped tens of thousands of vamps but things that you most likely already have lying around your house. Take for instance garlic. If you've got halitosis or work at the Olive Garden, this is most likely well-stocked. Cook that vamp a deadly meal or just put some in your palm and blow - either way that vamp is gonna have some serious heart burn. There's also the wooden stake. Everyone's got something made out of wood in their residence. Simply break off a chair leg or, if you were the star of your shop class in high school, make yourself a custom cross in advance for that special day when a vampire home invasion goes down. NOW who's completely paranoid?!
FEARnet Tip of the Trade: Don't forget shears! Some vampires have wings - just cut 'em off!
Custom Made: The lowest grade weapon you'll find here is holy water. While some might consider it homegrown, getting a priest to validate water seems custom to me. But if it's not enough for you - how about loading that blessed H20 into a super soaker and melting some of that pale flesh vamps are best known for? There's also the well-tread Blade silver standard, in which any harbinger of death is well versed: Silver bullets, the Blade-a-rang (made from of course silver), and the sword with the silver... well, blade. Still not enough? Then check out the crafty labors of George Clooney in From Dusk 'til Dawn who fashions a jackhammer with a wooden stake for the point, serving as a vamp murder machine. Or possibly upgrade yourself to UV light bullets which unload that sweet sunshine vamps fear so much once it hits.
WMDs: These are weapons for when you're in a real tight squeeze. Forget taking down the enemy vamp by vamp, the gadgets you'll find here will wipe out an entire room of them before your vampire murdering catch phrase even leaves your lips. Here we've got the UV light bomb which is like Agent Orange - if Agent Orange were created to slay monsters that live in the shadows and not for the mass genocide of the human race. The newer alternative to the UV bomb is atomized colloidal silver - a breath of fresh air, infused with silver of course. Once a vamp takes a lungful of this, they'll vanish like Freddy Kruger to No Doz. But make sure to save these amenities until you truly need them, they don't grow on trees y'know!
PHASE 3: Rate Yourself!!
Okay, so as you can see there's not much to vamp slaying. There's vamps, where you happen to have found them (or they've found you), and what you're gonna use to melt those fang-bangers with. So now that you've got a few notches on your belt, time to grade yourself?
Vincent Price (Novice): You're not so bad ass. In fact, you didn't kill a vampire at all, you avoided them altogether. You played it safe just like Vinny did in The Last Man on Earth - but that's okay because you're an icon in the annals of horror history! The downfall? You're the last man on earth! Which means you let everyone else get mutilated by vamps. Which also means you're a coward - and now you have to live with that for the rest of your sad, lonely life.
Buffy (Newbie): You're new at this but that shouldn't put a damper on your potential. And while you can murder a vamp like no other, you still find time to balance school... AND BOYS!! Also you could quite possibly be really hot, and as we know like 90% of the vamp population are men (you don't need to reproduce when you can live forever). So when those vamps lean in for a lil' kiss you'll give them a lil' tongue. A jagged wooden tongue. Through their heart. The Downfall? If you're a Buffy that means you're joining the ranks of Sarah Michelle Gellar and Kristy Swanson, which means you're probably not in line for an Oscar any time soon.
Jack Crow (Mild Threat): Sorry Charlie but while your kill skills have earned you a skilled team of tacticians and vamp experts, you're still shrouded in anonymity. I mean seriously, if you can tell me what movie Jack Crow is from I won't punch James Woods in the stomach (It's John Carpenter's Vampires by the way). However, anonymity isn't so bad. That means a vamp has no idea when you're coming to stake his/her heart -- plus you've got a kick ass name. The Downfall? You're from John Carpenter's Vampires. The only way things could get worse is if you were from Tommy Lee Wallace's Vampires: Los Muertos.
Frog Brothers (Resourceful): Who had better vamp killing gadgets than those Frog Brothers from Lost Boys? Okay, so Blade did but who was second? That's what I thought. While the Frog Brothers weren't exactly on the cutting edge of technology, they knew how to survive in a town that had a serious vamp problem - and you can't argue with results. What's better than getting creative in your murdersome rampage of those shadow dwellers? Being known for it. The downfall? Part of your outfit might involve an oversized, 80s-mandated headband. With that kind of get-up, you deserve to get skewered by Kiefer Sutherland.
Simon Belmont (Purebred): Umm yeah, you're waging an ongoing war with Dracula and come from a blood line of born-and-bred vamp slayers. Anyone who's played the Castlevania games know that the Belmont family is all business -- that business being thrusting vampires back to eternal hell fire. Vamps are frightened at the sight of you, but don't expect them to not take a run at you, because who doesn't wannabe the guy who took down a Belmont? That's grounds for becoming the vampire king! But don't worry because you're most likely to embarrass any vamp that does take a run in the way of slicing their head off and then swinging the sword back through their heart. Nice. The downfall? You seriously lack the sense of humor that will get you through the vampire comedy.
Blade (Extreme Badass): You're so badass at killing vampires that you yourself are part vampire. We all know that Blade is the end all, be all of getting vamps out of their tombs and then blasting them to fairy dust. He's got everything: the gadgets, the muscle, the wit, and the... haircut? Definitely. Let's put it this way: If Samuel L. Jackson was a vampire, he would soil himself the second you walked in the room. And Sam Jackson has WONDERFUL bladder control (not to mention being a scary M.F.). Bad. Ass. The Downfall? You're a vampire. Game over.
Congratulations. You've successfully completed your Vampire Survival Comprehension Training!! You are now a FEARnet sanctioned vamp slayer - and there's nothing more useful in the world than being the bane of vampiric existence. And don't worry, if your roommates laugh at you upon word of your newly ordained status - just turn the other cheek. Because you won't be the corpse that looks like it was run through a paper shredder when the vampire uprising happens (and it will). Yeah, you can thank us later.
For further instruction on how to survive a vampire attack, don't forget to tune in to 30 Days of Night: Dust to Dust -- only on FEARnet.