We are trying to take the scary out of holiday shopping, and put the horror back in. Running all this week, we are culling together out favorite items from years of gift guide entries and compiling them into easy shopping guides. Today, we present some of our favorite "stalking" stuffers that are under $10 each. The economy might still be in the dumps, but that doesn't mean you have to be a Grinch.
These Soylent crackers are chock full of protein and vitamins derived from spinach, plankton, and humans. Think Geek assures us that they may-or-may-not contain humans, but I think we all know the truth. Bonus: they are a frightfully neon shade of green.
Turn that weeping sore into a weeping third eye with these eyeball bandages. Freaking people out with your ghastly wounds is fun, but you don't want to risk infection. Instead, freak peeps out with extra eyeballs. You get a dozen bandages plus a "free prize." Frankly, I'm not sure I want to know what kind of free prizes come inside boxes of eyeball bandages.
Tim Burton Playing Cards
Let's face it: your nudie playing cards just aren't working for you anymore. You are too distracted by the busty gals to make a proper poker bet, you can't use them when your family visits, and honestly, those cards have seen better days. Upgrade your deck to this set featuring Tim Burton's spooky ooky illustrations. It is Burton tested, Burton approved!
Dead Fred Pen Set
Stuck in a stuffy cubicle all day with no outlet for your pent-up aggression? Put Dead Fred on your holiday wish-list. His blood-red silicone rubber body lies prostrate on your desk with a pencil-sized hole in his heart, perfect for storing your sharp writing utensils while sending a careful message to those annoying office mates. And since he's already dead, he won't mind if you de-stress with a few stabs every morning, noon, and night. Even if you're the perfectly collated type, investing in a Dead Fred or two for the company holiday party might not be a bad idea…
Table Saw Cake Cutter
Make a game of Operation more fun with this Table Saw. Okay, maybe this is better left to food prep. Made from high density food grade plastic with sharp, serrated teeth, this large-scale, saw-shaped knife has a big, easy-to-grip handle, and can both cut and serve your birthday cake. It's durable enough to cut through veggies and crusty bread. Bonus points if you cut open a pomegranate or strawberry cake or some other bleeding food.
Bloodbath Lip EmBalm
Lips cracked from sucking face with a succubus? Throw away that Chapstick and get an all-natural balm that will bring the demons back for more. Bloodbath's Lip EmBalms are vegan and nut-free, made from olive oil, vitamin e, and mango, shea, and cocoa butter. Best of all are the names of all the different flavors: Coffin Candy, Screamsicle, Gaspberry Lemonade, Mango Murder, Morgue-a-Rita, Horrorsuckle Nectarine, Deadly DaLeche, Devil's Food Cake, and Creepy Colada.
Monsters get a little cutesy with this fun-for-the-whole-family graphic novel by animator Mitch Schauer. When eleven-year-old Ripley discovers monsters are real, he does what any kid would do: go out and look for them. He rescues a trapped bat while monster-hunting in a cemetery, and discovers that he just saved a vampire. Word spreads throughout the monster community, and Ripley becomes therapist to monsters of all shapes and size.
Hairy Scary Monsters
Remember the old Wooly Willy toy? Willy was a bald face, sealed into a card with metal shavings. You would move the metal shavings with a tiny plastic magnetic wand to create your own hairstyles. It was literally minutes of fun. Recapture those minutes with the Hairy Scary Monster version. Rather than a bulbous, cartoony face, you are given a sallow, greenish wrinkled face. The card provides inspirational visages such as Frankenstein's monster, a devil, a zombie, and an evil clown (though is there really any other type of clown?).
Gingerdead Man Cookie Cutter
You've always done horrible things to traditional gingerbread men cookies. Who hasn't bitten the head off first thing? Then nibble off each individual limb. If only your mom would agree to make them with raspberry filling.... Anyway, scare ‘em right from the get-go with these Gingerdead Men cookie cutters. It will cut out the traditional gingerbread man shape, and press a skeleton pattern into them as well. Leave them plain for the subtle (or lazy) look, or fill dem bones with icing and make them pop. Either way, they are still delicious head-first.
Just because you are immortal doesn't mean you shouldn't be safe. Can you just imagine an eternity with herpes? The vampire condom is black (no word on a sparkle version) and "fully functional" (whatever that means). Plus, they have a great slogan: "Vampires always get invited inside."