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[NSFW] The List Only a Woman Could Write: Top Five Movie Castrations

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Much is made of the torture and brutality of women at the hands of men in films - especially horror films. As with all good rape/revenge films, now it's time to turn the table and take a look at five of the most gruesome on-screen castrations. For the record, I am not some crazy femi-nazi. I don't hate men; I just love movie blood n' guts.

Teeth

This brilliant 2007 horror "comedy" is about Dawn, a teenage virgin who heads up her local chapter of the abstinence club. While at the lake with some friends, Dawn and Tobey sneak off to swim together. While warming up in a cave later, the two begin making out. Dawn gets uncomfortable and pulls away, but Tobey won't take no for an answer. He begins to rape Dawn... then suddenly pulls away, screaming and bleeding. Her vagina grew teeth (the "vagina dentata") and acted in self-defense, cutting off his dick. Tobey bleeds to death and a crab eats his penis. Dawn wields her newfound power carefully, however. Consensual sex goes fine, but wrong her, and watch out. Her gynecologist, finding out she has never been before, molests her. He just loses his fingers. A boy who slept with her after making a bet with his buddies got the chop. By the end of the flick, she learns to make her teeth work for her. Dawn's mother dies when she needs medical attention and her stepson can't be bothered to stop screwing his girlfriend to take her to the hospital. Dawn seduces her stepbrother, cutting off his penis and feeding it to his own dog.

Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D doesn't hide behind any pretenses. It was a cheesy movie that was all about blood n' tits. It delivered on that promise, and I thank them for that. I also thank them for Jerry O'Connell's onscreen death. A piranha swims out of a porno chick's mouth and leads the feeding frenzy on his lower half. When he is finally dragged back into the boat, his legs are gnawed down to the bone, yet he is still alive long enough to yell "They took my penis!" And yet, that is not the best part of this death scene. One of the piranhas finds the floating penis, and it and another piranha feast down on it. THEN one of the piranhas burps half it up! At least they were generous with Jerry's prosthetic... even a piranha couldn't finish it all.

Last House on the Left

A group of thugs seek shelter from a terrible storm at a random house in the forest. This turns out to be Mari Collingwood's house. Mari and her friend Phyllis were on their way home from a concert when they happened upon the thugs and were repeatedly beaten, raped, humiliated, and brutally slaughtered. When the Collingwoods find out what these psychopaths did to their only daughter, they plot devestating revenge on each houseguest. For one of them, that means castration. Mrs. Collingwood lures him out by the lake for a naughty romp. She drops to her knees and starts giving him a blow job... then sinks her teeth into his cock. While he screams, she bites down and shakes her head back and forth, like a frenzied pit bull, until she finally removes it from his body and spits it out into the lake. Interestingly, this scene was left out of the terrible remake.

Hostel 2

When someone tells you that you can't leave a dingy European hostel without killing or being killed, you don't really have much of a choice, do you? You kill the bastard who was going to kill you, and you do it in a really heinous, demeaning way. Like cutting of his penis, letting him bleed to death, and feeding the lopped-off member to nearby dogs. What is it about penises that makes them fish food and chew toys?

I Spit on Your Grave

Two different versions of the same movie; two different versions of a castration scene. Jennifer, a writer from New York, heads to a remote cabin to work on her book. While there, she is brutally beaten, gang raped, and left for dead by a group of local boys. Once she has recuperated, she exacts her bloody, violent revenge on them. In the original 1978 film, Jennifer uses what Johnny stole from her - her sexuality - to steal his. While not as graphic as the other scenes, it comes across as more realistic, especially when Jennifer takes a seat in the living room and plays some loud opera music to drown out Johnny's screams.

In the 2010 remake, Jennifer uses Johnny's own words against him, whispering to him the "sweet nothings" that he told her as he raped and abused her. It is grimy, it is angry, and it is a hell of a lot more violent as Jennifer cuts off his dick with hedge trimmers and shoves it in his mouth.

 

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