The great outdoors are where we become one with nature, so it makes sense that we feel inclined to take our clothes off and do what comes natural. I'm not just talking about peeing in the woods here. Our primal instincts tell us to make with the business like uninhibited rabbits (or bears, or deer, or whatever your spirit animal is), but as we've learned from horror movies, sex outside – like doing drugs or having breasts – is one of the quickest ways to get yourself killed. Lucky for you, we've gathered some of the best examples of sex in the great outdoors gone awry for your educational pleasure.
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday
Jason has a long history of vengefully offing campers, especially those engaging in more carnal recreational activities, but this scene in Jason Goes to Hell is truly marvelous, especially if you're watching the extended cut. Let's be honest here, there isn't much to do when you go camping. S'mores, drinking watered down yokel beer out of plastic cups, telling redundant urban legends around the campfire… Okay, so that took like, an hour of your time. What are you going to do for the next eight hours? If you've brought along a romantic interest, you're going to have sex in your tent, obviously. But when a seemingly immortal psycho is stalking around (this time out his soul is hopping around in various bodies), maybe taking your clothes off isn't the best option. Especially when said seemingly immortal psycho is out to punish every young, virile whippersnapper in the woods for the crimes of a few lousy camp counselors from his childhood who were too busy fornicating to notice him drowning in Crystal Lake. So when our two lovebirds retire to the tent for a little R&R, it's not exactly shocking when Jason Voorhees rams a tent stake through our girl's body. In the extended cut, after Jason stabs his victim, he drags the stake up through her body, splitting her in two. Ouch. Lesson learned: Tents are for sleeping, not for sexing.
The Evil Dead
Rape is particularly awful in film, and often used to exploitative effect in horror, so it's -- dare I say it -- refreshing to see the idea of something truly appalling treated with a little humor. And director Sam Raimi has a knack for finding the funny in most repulsive moments. When Ash (Bruce Campbell) and his friends traipse off to a cabin for the weekend, they discover a recorded incantation from the Book of the Dead that unleashes some rather unsavory demonic spirits. Cheryl (Ellen Sandweiss) makes a break for it and runs out into the woods, only to be sexually assaulted by trees. It's not bad enough to live in fear of your friends becoming demonically possessed and trying to kill you, now you have to worry about getting raped by nature. In all fairness, the trees were possessed at the time, but I can't help but think maybe they were just a little too eager. Lesson learned: Be nicer to trees, so maybe later when they're possessed by demons, they won't rape you.
Fewer things strike a collective nerve as hard as gross mishaps during sex. Who wants to have their joy interrupted by something nasty happening in/around/on their body? In Eli Roth's Cabin Fever a group of friends spend spring break at a cabin in the woods (because nothing bad ever happens in cabins in the woods, you guys). It's all beer and bikinis and good times until they start contracting a deadly virus that causes their skin to rot off. Paul (Rider Strong) decides to visit Karen (Jordan Ladd) in the bedroom to, uh, cheer her up while she's feeling under the weather. What begins as innocent hand-in-the-underwear business takes a decidedly icky turn when Paul discovers he's been tending to an open sore rather than her business center. Paul's unfortunate sexcapades don't end here, though. Seriously, when all of your friends are literally falling apart, maybe the last thing you should be concerned with is getting off, you selfish jerk. Marcy (Cerina Vincent) and Paul have a little, "Oh, what the hell, we're all dying anyway" hook-up later in the film, and when Paul gives Marcy's back a little love-scratch he claws her skin off. Lesson learned: Cabins are off limits.
The 2002 girl-eats-boy film Teeth explores the finer points of the vagina dentata myth. Vaginas are already foreign, confusing territory for adolescent men in a very confusing time in their life, and the vagina dentata idea plays on the idea that a man's most precious body part and the essence of his masculinity could be destroyed and ripped asunder by a woman. Dawn (Jess Weixler) is a good, abstinence-promoting, God-fearing high school virgin. Unfortunately she's got some feelings for fellow abstinence nerd Tobey (Hale Appleman), so when they meet up at the local swimming hole things get a bit dicey. After seeking warmth in a cave, Tobey puts the moves on Dawn, but she isn't quite ready to give up the goods (and who can blame her, caves are gross). A knock to the head puts Dawn in a precarious position, but that's when her vagina springs into action like a bear trap, chomping off Tobey's penis. Lesson learned: There are many lessons to be learned here, like it's okay to be virginal, but maybe you should look at your vagina and get familiar with that territory. Also, you shouldn't go into caves with people you don't know very well. Also, caves are not sexy.
Diablo Cody and Karyn Kusama's film is an evil exploration of female juvenile sexuality, in which the titular Jennifer is quite literally a man-eater. Jennifer Check (Megan Fox) is the It girl in school: sexy, suggestive, and a big ol' jerk. So no one seems to really notice when she's been demonically possessed after a local band performs a ritual sex sacrifice all up on her body. Unfed, the demon inside Jennifer's body makes her skin and hair look mega gross. She needs to feed the inner demon, and what better way to do that than by luring boys to have sex with her so she can devour them? In our first glimpse of Jennifer's monstrous appetites (and the first time we see the demon rear its toothy, ugly head), a school jock takes the bait and meets Jen out in the woods for an afternooner, but gets himself mauled and disemboweled instead. Lesson learned: No matter how hot Megan Fox is, do not – I repeat, do not – meet her in the woods behind school for sex. She will eat you like your blood is made of Noxzema and Herbal Essences