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You Don't Have to Be Alive to Be Deadly: Top 5 Inanimate Killers

You are walking home at night. It is cold and windy, and even though you know better, you take a shortcut down an alley. Your heart skips a beat when a tall, dark figure appears, seemingly out of nowhere. But it's not that human or humanoid you need to worry about; it's that unassuming lawn chair peeking out of the dumpster. You are taught to fear the boogie man, but what about those everyday objects that couldn't possibly be out to kill you? They aren't even alive. Well, items from these five movies may as well be, for all the chaos they cause. 

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Can we just take a second to enjoy that title? Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. Never has a title told you so much, so unnecessarily, in such a ridiculous way. If you thought that was good, the plot may make your head implode. There once was a demon who took the shape of a tree. The demon became a breeze, and fell in love with a human. The demon took human form so he could love the woman. But the woman died in his arms as they were making love. The demon then decided to possess her, erm, death bed, and that is where we come in. Apparently the bed can absorb people into its creamy center and digest them. Undigestables - like the knife in the below clip - are passed through unharmed. You can't make this stuff up.

 

Rubber

Much talked about on the festival circuit, Rubber is one of those things you have to see to believe. A rubber car tire rolls around the desert, killing people randomly. It has no personality, no anthropomorphic properties. It doesn't make noise, it's not possessed, it has no backstory. It just is. The tire doesn't "attack" its victims; it has some sort of telekinetic power and it can destroy living creatures with whatever the tire equivalent of a brain is.

The Mangler

With three of the biggest names in horror behind The Mangler (Tobe Hooper directing, Robert Englund starring, and based on a Stephen King story), you would expect something a little less shoddy. This film is not just about a laundry machine that kills, perhaps due to demon possession, perhaps due to deadly nightshade antacids. No, it is also about a killer refrigerator. Scarier than the movie is the fact that they made two sequels (though I don't think the fridge made the cut).

Killer Condom

This bizarre German film (set in New York) was brought to the States by the only company who could handle it: Troma. A downtown dive called Hotel Quickie (if you can't tell that nothing good would happen there, you deserve your fate) is the site of a condom uprising. The management has thoughtfully provided free condoms for its visitors, but the condoms come alive and have a tendency to bite off penises. When a cop loses a testicle to a peckish prophylactic, things become personal.

Friday the 13th: The Series

Not the movies. This TV series ran in syndication for three years in the late 1980s and it was entirely about inanimate killers. The premise was that an old antiques dealer made a deal with the devil to sell cursed antiques. In the nearly 80 episodes in the series, many of the items required a human to use the antique to kill a victim, but a number were self-propelled. There is the obvious - a possessed doll; a statue of Cupid that shoots its arrow and drives a person to kill for love; a tattoo needle that could cause a tattoo it draws to come to life and kill; a hearing aid that could allow the wearer to hear other people's thoughts - and cause your head to explode if you don't dump the thoughts into someone else's head first; a scarecrow that kills whoever's picture is pinned to its jacket; and a radio whose broadcasts plays upon the victim's greatest fears, scaring them to death.

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