SEE! The awesomely-busty, perpetually-corseted, wise-cracking, immortal vampiress Nazi huntress!
HEAR! Legendary B-movie character actor play a vile SS surgeon who sounds a lot like Peter Lorre mixed with a tank of helium!
FEEL! The career-killing awesomeness of Michael Pare as an American Nazi Vampire who wants to make Hitler immortal!
SMELL! The consistently adorable stench of yet another Uwe Boll film that's full of wildly incongruous sex scenes, terribly wooden attempts at human interaction, and more low-rent action sequences than you can shake a knocker at!
Yes, junk fans, it's time for yet another BloodRayne movie, as if you weren't already sated by the ironic charms of BloodRayne (2005) and BloodRayne 2: Deliverance (2007). Returning for a second go-round is Natassia Malthe in the title role, and it'd be a lie to assert that the chick isn't a truly lovely corset-filler. Working from a script by Michael Nachoff (In the Name of the King 2), director Uwe Boll returns for another stomp through undead Nazi madness, stopping frequently to deliver a few softcore sex scenes of lesbian loveliness, one-take action sequences that hope to combine Blade with Inglorious Basterds (yes, really), and more wondrously inane dialogue than you can imagine. I had to rewind one scene -- and pause it several times -- to deliver this one segment to you, so I do hope it's appreciated. It's really something special.
"And do not lecture me on undead vermin that I've hunted all my life! Emotions run high! And it should! But unless the lieutenant was playing games, I suggest we get to the rail depot before the train leaves with your Magda and those Nazi fucks gain more ground!"
This is only one of the touching exchanges put forth between BloodRayne and a very loud freedom fighter played by Boll regular Brendan Fletcher. Yes, they also have sex.
Mixed amidst all the lesbian lip-locks, chintzy battle scenes, and howlingly bad dialogue are a few truly unsavory moments of patented Uwe Boll tastelessness. I have no idea why he's so intent on setting his recent flicks in and around Nazi concentration camps, but it speaks to a filmmaker I probably wouldn't enjoy having a drink with. Surface-level B-movie goofiness is one thing, but many of Boll's recent efforts have a stench of WWII nastiness surrounding them, and that stuff has gotten really old really fast. (I'm truly not looking forward to the man's Auschwitz film, as if that doesn't go without saying.)
By this point you're already a staunch Uwe Boll fan, or you're not. Those who fall into the former group simply want to know if BloodRayne 3 is as overtly, hilariously misshapen as the auteur's previous work. Those who fall into the latter simply want to know if he's starting to improve as a filmmaker. To both camps I must offer the disappointed response of "nope." The ineptitude has grown tiresome, and the novelty has worn thin. Despite his consistently outspoken nature, the simple truth is that Uwe Boll is just another prolific schlock-slinger. If you're looking for 80 movie minutes worthy of mockery, then sure, BloodRayne 3 is a hoot. Otherwise, I'd pass. Life's too short to focus on films you know will be bad.