"Unwatchable" is not a term I throw around often but Five Across the Eyes is a project that warrants it. Notice I did not say film, since this is more akin to a 90-minute YouTube video. Trying to make a movie on a shoestring budget is admirable, but lack of money is no excuse for terrible writing and nauseating camerawork. It is also marred by wooden acting, grainy film quality, and one annoying villain. Amateur-film snobs will try to convince you that this is daring and unique, when in truth it is just your typical shock schlock.