Television Tourniquet: We Bite into ‘True Blood' 3.1


"Bad Blood"
Written By: Brian Buckner
Directed By: Daniel Minahan
Original Airdate: 13 June 2010In This Episode...

Welcome back to the bayou.  While the audience waited nearly a year for the newest season of True Blood, mere hours passed for the residents of Bon Temps.

Tara is a mess after losing Eggs.  Lafayette takes good care of her, but Tara just wants her mama.  Lettie Mae, still sober and with a reverend in tow, stays with Tara while Lafayette is at work.  "Feeling better," Tara goes to take a shower -- but instead swallows a bottle of pills.  Lafayette gets there in the nick o' time.

Jason is a mess after shooting Eggs.  Andy gave a statement to the sheriff, saying that he shot Eggs in self defense.  His advice to Jason is to be his old self: conscious off, dick on.  Easier said than done.  When he picks up a couple of coeds, he can't get hard -- he keeps imagining them with bullets in their brains.

Jessica is a mess after claiming her first victim.  She drags him home in a desperate bid to save him -- even trying to turn him into a vampire.  It doesn't work, so Jess hides him in the floorboards until she can decide what to do with him.  She is distracted enough that she kind of blows off Hoyt when he calls to apologize.

Eric is not a mess when he finds out Bill has been kidnapped.  In fact, he tried to set up a kidnapping on his own, but by the time his hired fang got to the restaurant, Bill was gone.  He has bigger problems.  Magister is disturbed by the rise of V usage, and is convinced that a vampire is behind the distribution.  He believes the "moral anarchy" needs to end.  When Magister leaves, the Queen insists that Eric and Pam liquidate overnight, and sell Fangtasia if need be - she needs money for the IRS, stat.  She does not care that Bill is missing. 

Sam is not a mess either.  He has gone off to find his family.  He gets a tip that his biological brother, Tommy, works at a tire shop in Arkansas.  When approached, Tommy says he is not the Tommy Sam is looking for.  Sam follows him home later and discovers Tommy is a stinkin' liar.

Sookie is a frantic mess, looking for Bill.  The cops don't really care that a vampire has gone missing.  As sheriff, Eric is duty-bound to find one of his missing vampires, and promises to help.  Sookie's next suspect is Lorena.  But when Pam gets "called" by Eric while she is returning Sookie's money, Sook realizes that Bill might be calling out to Jessica.  Going back to the Compton house, Jessica had no idea that that was what her "dream" was, and the two go Nancy Drew-ing, where they find Bill's wrecked car.  A body in the car has a strange tattoo that yields a clue: werewolves.

Bill is a bloody mess.  Literally.  He was abducted by The Fuck You Crew, a quartet of rednecks who take turns slicing Bill open and drinking his blood.  Weakened, Bill waits until the boys are trashed and distracts them enough to crash the car.  He escapes, though weakened.  In the woods, he finds a house, inhabited by a kind but sickly old woman who hopes that Bill is her son.  He feeds on her, enough to regain his strength, then glamours her into not remembering.  He gives her some money, from her "son," and takes his leave.  Running back home, he is surrounded by a pack of werewolves... and the fangs come out.

Dig It or Bury It?

Like many season premieres, this episode was all about tying up loose ends from last season.  Bill's kidnap didn't seem particularly shocking -- there was no deep dark secret reason for the kidnap, and everyone knows to expect werewolves this season.  Sookie in a panic, looking for him, was just obnoxious (though I did enjoy her and Jessica "sleuthing" together).  I am pleased to see Lafayette getting back to his old self.

All in all, it was an enjoyable hour of television, but I hold True Blood to a higher standard than that.  I want more secrets, more twists and turns!  A vampire with tax problems... really?  Give me a break.  However, there was enough sex -- and enough good sex -- to make this a top-notch episode.

Ass Factor

So... much... sex... seriously, this episode gets an Ass Factor of 47 (out of a possible 10).  When Sookie visits Fangtasia, she finds Eric in the basement, hard fucking a dancer strung up by her wrists.  What an ass on him.  Pam eyeballs Eric's playmate, and is disappointed that Eric won't share her.

In a cheap motel in Arkansas, Sam wakes abruptly from a sex dream -- with Bill.  Bill senses his presence and goes to him, asking for a shower and the shirt of Sam's back.  He invites Sam to shower with him, and entranced, Sam agrees.  Both men, shirtless, inch closer and closer to each other, Bill dirty talking the whole time.  Sam is woken by the phone before the dicks come out.  I'm not really into the guy-on-guy action, but holy hell that was a hot scene.

Then there are the coeds that Jason picks up.  One girl is sucking him off but he just can't get hard.  Her friend comes in, bored with Hoyt (who is "too hung up on his ex to even care that I am playing with myself") and asks if she can join them.  When Jason still can't get it up, the two girls start playing with each other.  That was hot, too.

Even the redneck werewolf kidnappers get in on the action.  One plays with his nipples after taking a hit of fresh V, then shotguns a load to his buddy in the front seat who can't reach.

Biting Humor

Andy telling Jason to turn his conscience off and dick on was pretty good, but Arlene takes the prize.  In an effort to comfort a grieving Tara, she says, "It's okay honey -- we all fall in love with serial killers at some point."

Blood Count

No new deaths to report this episode, just the aftermath of Jessica's anger and Jason's fear.  Bill was a right bloody mess when he was being used as a drinking fountain, though.


I don't feel like anything new came to light in this episode, so I foresee the show continuing in a similar trajectory.  Bill will return by episode three (maybe even two).  Sookie and Eric are going to become more entwined, no matter how much she resists (c'mon Sookie, he's not such a bad guy).  Werewolves join the vampires, maenads, mind readers, and shape shifters that already make Bon Temps the place to be.  Arlene thinks she is pregnant (and not happy about it) but I like to think that she herself is turning into some sort of supernatural creature.