It’s natural to feel an urge to give back around the holidays.  Don’t shy away from it, friends.  Why, even our cold hearts are warmed during this season.  And with so many charitable organizations around right now (like Toys for Tots!), it’s the easiest time of year to give. But sometimes even the best of intentions can lead to disastrous results.  So this holiday season, we’re going to help you keep off the naughty list with Tears for Tots: FEARnet’s guide to toys that should not be donated to children’s charities!

Our first toy to keep an eye out for is The Dead’s Mall Santa.  And who wouldn’t want to give the gift of a Mall Santa?  Sure, it sounds strange.  But what better way to ease a tyke into the sometimes frightening experience of sitting on Santa’s lap than with a toy that shows how a Santa hanging out in the mall is A-OK?  In the case of The Dead’s Mall Santa zombie…there must be plenty of better ways.  This terrifying Claus stands 12 inches high, features a blood-stained mouth in mid-scream, cigarettes, a Vodka bottle, and a Naughty or Nice list.  In fact, this figure may be the only thing more terrifying than actually sitting on old Saint Nick!

Kids love adorable toys.  It’s a fact of life.  Give a kid a furby and he’ll freak out (if he’s living in 1998). And, how many girls still remember their first My Little Pony?  Well, listen up, folks – just because something may look adorable, and start with the “My Little” title doesn’t mean its right for the children.  Prime example Number 1: My Little Cthulu.  This adorable grand overlord will brainwash your children before you can say “R’lyeh.”  Imagine a child unwrapping this cutesy-looking version of the creature, staring straight into its beady little eyes…and going completely insane!  Leave this toy to the George Gammel Angell’s and Henry Anthony Wilcox’s of the world.

Here’s a hazard for the holiday gift-giver with bad eyesight!  When I was a kid, you couldn’t pull me away from my Lego set.  And, seeing as sets of Star Wars Lego battle stations retail for over $100, the same must be true of today’s children.  Our next toy to avoid may confuse the elderly, farsighted grandparent looking to add to their grandchild’s Lego universe.  Diamond Select’s Marvel Zombie Minimates could easily pass for those adorable little yellow-headed Lego men, but look closer!  These guys, based on the series of “What if…” Marvel Zombies comics, feature all of Little Jimmy’s favorite heroes (Spider-Man, Captain America, etc.) as zombies!  Broken limbs?  Check.  Torn-out stomachs?  Check.  Exposed brains?  You betcha!  The illusion of your grandchild’s invincible superheroes will shatter faster than Zombie Spider-Man’s leg!

What young child doesn’t love the allure of a doll?  Something to hold, cradle, care for…and totally ignore when you want to!  Dolls can really prove to be a barometer for responsibility.  Does your little girl tend for her doll, feeding it, bathing it, changing it?  Great news, she’ll be a reliable human being.  Does she shake it vigorously?  Uh-oh.  Bad news.  But no matter how you think your child will react to a doll as a present, we have to recommend you avoid gifting them with Living Dead Dolls.  Sure, it’s a doll, but it’s a right messed-up little dolly!  Mezco’s Living Dead Dolls are the little goth babies you never knew you wanted.  And they’re quite morbid, as each doll comes with a D.O.D. or a Date of Death!  Dead Children?  That’s something even we won’t get into (for now).  Some of them are ghostly blue with dead white eyes, some of them have glowing, evil little eyes…some of them are green and rotting.  These are some sick and twisted little toys, perfect for the horror fan – but not her daughter!  Remember, giving a child a Living Dead Doll without the proper amount of money for future counseling is just bad parenting.

Our next toy to watch out for is based on a fairy tale, so right off the bat you know it’s going to be a little bit twisted.  Fairy tales, especially the original Germanic, non-Disney ones, were grisly, harrowing affairs.  These are stories most people can’t bring themselves to read to their kids today.  But there’s no denying the still universal appeal that stories like “Goldilocks and the Three Bears”, “Rumpelstiltskin”, and “Little Red Riding Hood” possess.  The crazed folks over at McFarlane toys have put a decidedly adult spin on the childhood classics, and their version of Little Red Riding Hood is next on our list.  I don’t even need to explain why this toy isn’t suitable for children.  Just look at the picture when ordering toys online, or your kids will end up with this!  In fact, maybe it’s best if we all start to phase out fairy tales.  It’s like we always say at FEARnet: We read them Stephen King when we want to scare them, we read them Brothers Grimm when we want to scar them.

The final toy we want to talk about today seems at first like the most generic, typical toy you could find.  Something you’d quickly pick up on Christmas Eve and cover in Taco Bell wrap.  The generic guy.  This slightly balding man in camouflage could be a new member of your son’s infantry, or the (ruggedly dressed) suitor of your daughter’s Barbie.  But beware!  This 7-inch figure from NECA is Quentin Tarantino, in his role as (and we quote the packaging here) “Rapist No. 1” from Planet Terror!  An action figure of a rapist?  Please tell me this is a first…

So there you have it.  We’d better not see any of these toys dropped into a Toys for Tots bin this holiday season!  That, of course, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be donating toys to Toys for Tots.  For more info on the awesome holiday-saving organization, check out the Toys for Tots Foundation website, and learn where you can find a drop box location near you!  ‘Tis the season to give.  But from all of us here at FEARnet, please, give wisely!