The Expendables and The Expendables 2 both did upwards of $75 million at the domestic box office. A third film is reportedly in the works for a 2014 release. Action fans loved seeing their favorite silver screen icons together in a single film; if one action star is good, more than one is better, right? By similar logic, if one onscreen psychopath is good, then more than one is great, right? Well, we think so. We would welcome an Expendables-style horror film with all of our favorite people reprising their roles for a giant killing spree.
The reason The Expendables was feasible is that the characters were original. It wasn’t John McClain and Cobra and the T800; trying to bring all of those characters together in one film would be a licensing nightmare, and the logistics are questionable at best. The time it took New Line Cinema to bring Freddy and Jason together was longer than anyone anticipated, so the red tape to unite those two plus several others would be close to insurmountable. But that doesn't stop us from imagining what things would be like in a perfect world where everyone works together and studios cooperate with one another.
Behold our dream cast for a big screen horror feature with all of our favorite psychopaths on the same team.
Weapon: Razorblade Glove
Interests: Dream Analysis, Scrapbooking
Why He is a Good Fit for the Film: Freddy Krueger is an obvious choice for a motion picture featuring everyone’s favorite crazies. He would likely be the mastermind of the group, the one who brings the boys together for some murdering fun as he did in Freddy vs. Jason. Rather than just using Jason as his conduit, Fred would recruit an entire army of minions to drum up terror on Elm Street, allowing him to live for years to come. Perhaps he would put an ad out in The Elm Street Journal and recruit some of his compatriots that way. Or maybe it would be by way of word of mouth. Freddy has connections.
The Tall Man
Weapon: Silver Death Ball
Interests: Embalming, Decimating small towns
Why He is a Good Fit for the Film: He would be a welcome addition to the clan of killers because he has a way with words. He has a particular penchant for the word "Boyyyyy!" The Tall Man would be easy to get on board, since he preys on corpses and is always looking for a fresh grave to exhume; he could go to town in the wake of the other killer’s aftermath. Plus he is older than a lot of the other characters, so he lends a certain paternal quality to the group.
Weapon: Butcher Knife
Interests: Breaking out of mental hospitals, Killing his sister
Why He is a Good Fit for the Film: Michael Myers is a legend and he is ultimately invincible, so he would be an invaluable asset to the team. Michael is a man of few words... possibly a man of no words. He loves to kill and he's quite good at it; he has a very respectable body count to his name. For some reason, he loves to kill family: it started with his sister and continued from there.
Interests: Chili, Skin masks
Why He is a Good Fit for the Film: Leatherface would bring pizazz to the picture. He looks like a big oaf, but he is actually very good at sewing (human skin) and he is an expert at making grunting noises. His chainsaw is a truly amazing weapon that has since been imitated but will never be outdone. He also has a strong family support system, which could come in handy if the gang find themselves in need of a place to hide out, or develops a hankering for chili.
Interests: Girl Dolls, Killing
Why He is a Good Fit for the Film: Chucky brings a certain unassuming quality to the table; he can appear lifeless at any point in time, which makes it easy for him to get in and out of a variety of situations undetected. His size is also an advantage: he can easily move in and out of small spaces that other members of the posse would not be able to fit in to. He is also a family man now, so he brings a different perspective than the unattached members of the cast.
Interests: His mother
Why He is a Good Fit for the Film: Jason is a magnet for horny teenagers, so he would be a great deal of help when it comes to sourcing victims. He already has experience working with others (Freddy) and he is an icon in his own right. He loves to kill and he doesn’t talk too much. He's a perfect fit, with his only drawback being some unresolved mommy issues... but as long as he can channel those in to his work, he will do just fine.
Interests: Revenge, Bees
Why He is a Good Fit for the Film: Candyman is a really frightening character. He is ruthless, and he is able to do something similar to teleportation by way of your mirror; he could help the others get from place to place via his intricate mirror travel system. He’s also very good at covering his tracks: many believe that he doesn’t exist and he furthers that belief by implicating others for his many crimes. This would come in handy for making sure that the group didn’t arouse suspicion.
Weapon: Flesh Hooks
Why He is a Good Fit for the Film: Pinhead brings the underworld element with him. He has minions that will do whatever he asks. He also has a lot of good dialogue in his earlier pictures, which will help make up for those in the film who are not as chatty. His victims seek him out more so than is typical for an onscreen killer, so he shouldn’t have a problem gaining the appreciation of his peers. If they don’t learn to appreciate him their suffering will be legendary... even in hell.