Review

Review

Television Tourniquet: We Behold '13: Fear is Real' -- Episode 2

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13: Fear is Real: Episode 2

"The Accused"

Original Airdate: 14 January 2009

In This Episode…

We pick up right where we left off last week – trying to figure out who stole the Death Box.  Laura is cagey, and a bad liar, so Nassir accuses her.  To make a formal accusation, everyone else in the camp has to agree – which they do.  But The Mastermind announces that Nassir is wrong, and must face dire consequences – he is to be included in the execution ceremony.

Time for the next ritual.  Nassir is automatically advancing to the execution round, so he stays behind, as does one other person to make things even.  The remaining contestants pair up and head down to the water's edge.  There, they're blindfolded and life-vested, and then the "minions" carry them away.  Each duo is put in a boat in the middle of the bayou, with a mysterious, covered box.  They are left to float there all night, or until someone raises their flag in surrender (the surrenderers go to the execution round).

Oh yeah, but there is one catch: their boats have sprung leaks, and they are slowly taking on water.  Their only chance of staying afloat is to bail out.  The catch?  The only bucket is in the mystery box – which, once uncovered, reveals lots and lots of snakes.

I am deathly, irrationally, clinically phobic of snakes.  Even writing this paragraph sends my blood pressure soaring.  So I spent a good twenty minutes of this episode with my eyes closed and the volume on mute.  I did tune in to find out that Laura couldn't handle it and surrendered her and her partner Adam.  The two of them will join Nassir on the chopping block.

Dig It or Bury It?

I spent most of the episode cowering – what do you think?  I want to chop this episode into pieces, feed them to a crocodile, wait for the crocodile to shit out the pieces, and set that shit on fire before I bury it.  Then salt the earth for good measure.  No, I did not like this episode.

Execution-Style

Tonight's ceremony had three victims.  The victims were led to a shack and blindfolded.  A round cage was placed over their heads, and bolted to heavy chains, which were in turn bolted to the floor.   Trapped in the cage with their heads were a half-dozen small rats. 

This execution is not hard and not scary unless you are phobic of rats.  First, the rats are not actually touching you.  Imagine the cage as a giant roll of toilet paper.  Your head would go through the middle, inside the cardboard tube, and the rat would be in the paper part.  I felt bad for the rats.  They did not look comfortable, and they didn't move too much.  I think most of them got wedged in pretty tight.  I'm sure the producers can look forward to a pile of angry PETA emails.

Second, you can take the blindfold off and see which bolts you are undoing.  This didn't make it any easier for Laura, who whined and screamed throughout the whole challenge, begging for help while her male counterparts calmly and quietly undid each bolt.  Scenes like that really give women a bad name.  Suffice it to say, Laura "died."

Horrifying Cliché

That execution ceremony felt like a rejected Saw kill.  One about which the director said, "Nah, we don't need this.  Maybe when we do our PG Saw for Kids sequel."

Prophecies?

13: Fear is Real is formulaic.  The Mastermind promises a dastardly surprise, but I am not on the edge of my seat.  The killer amongst the contestants claims his first victim, so you can count on lots of finger-pointing and desperate attempts to put non-existent clues together.  They also flashed on a pair of barking German shepherds, which I assume will be used in one of the next challenges.  Sorry, but dogs = not scary.

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